Big Brother 17 Opening Week Thoughts

It's that time of year again, the highlight of everyone's summer, the time when a group of total strangers come into a house, and most of them will end up being despised by an entire continent, and be the subject of derision by any asshole with a blog.  *cough*

My beloved Julie Chen is back for the 17th edition of Big Brother, it's hard to believe I was in high school and had a full, luscious head of hair when Big Brother first premiered back in 2000.  Don't worry folks, for the third straight summer your boy HDH will be back with my weekly thoughts on the show, I'll try to have them up after the Thursday eviction episode.  Once again by week 2 I will pick who I think is going to win, I was right with Derrick last year, but waaaaaayyy off on that loser Jordan in Big Brother Canada 3.

For veteran readers of this blog (editor's note: why?) you know that I hate twists, and it appears as though Big Brother 17 is hellbent on twists.  Ugh.  First of all who told these assholes that the Battle of the Block was a fan favourite?  It was fucking stupid last year and it will be worse this year.  Julie Chen must've been humilated saying that it was a fan favourite.

The Big Brother Takeover? A god damned twist every week?  Fuck right off.  This is going to be a fucking disaster.  A Twin Twist too?? They tried this once already in Big Brother 5 with those stupid fitness twins and that fell apart like a Chinese motorcycle.  Speaking of Big Brother 5 I had to look up an remember what season that was... that was the season of that weirdo Nakomis and her hillbilly long lost brother Cowboy Mike, why don't they do that shit anymore?

James and Jason are the dual HOH's this week, it's impossible to say who they're going to put up because there is nothing to go on.  So I might as well just get into my first thoughts on each houseguest:

Audrey: The first transgendered person in Big Brother history, I guess they're trying to cash in on the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing?  It seems everyone is accepting of her which is great, it is 2015 after all.  It's pretty fucked up that her parents had her kidnapped from her house from the middle of the night to go to some internment camp to "set her straight".  I like her alliance so far with Da'Vonne and Shelli.

Austin:  What's with that top hat he wears when he turns on his Pro Wrestler persona?  He just looks like a bootleg Slash.  I don't think he'll be necessarily good in competitions just because he looks like fucking Frankenstein.

Becky: Looks like she can crack a walnut with her chin. I have her in my pool, not holding out much hope.

Clay: Boring pretty boy who will never have a shirt on.

Da'Vonne: I really like Da'Vonne so far, her Diary Rooms are hilarious, plus she is hellbent on forming a strong female alliance, something that has been severely lacking in previous seasons.

Jace: Calm the fuck down bud, Jesus Christ get this guy some pills.  He obviously is an attention whore who will likely annoy me to no end this year.  Get a new hat too you squid.

Jackie: Uhhhh, who the fuck are you?  I never watched the Amazing Race so I have zero idea who she is or what she is all about.

James:  The Hillbilly Asian, I like this guy, it is weird hearing an Asian dude talk like such a Jethro but he's been pretty funny so far, and I can see him lasting a while.

Jason: Da'Vonne hit the nail on the head, he's Pee-Wee Herman.

Jeff: See Jackie.

John:  Holy shit is this guy ever pale, he looks like Powder for christs sake.  I also have him in my pool, I think he's my best shot.

Liz: Didn't really say or do much tonight, but rumour has it that she is the twin so expect to see A LOT more of her....or them.

Meg: Shut up, Meg.

Shelli: She's my age and she is saying she is a cougar...or a puma.  What the fuck does that make me?  The only animal I can be compared to is a walrus and/or giant sloth.  She is definitely hot though, I think the best looking this season.

Steve: Fucking nerd, nerds are my mortal enemy.  He is the last guy I have in my pool, he'll be tossed to the wayside and will go back to his Lego collection and chemistry set or whatever the fuck he was doing during that opening segment of his.

Vanessa: Looks like VaGinaMarie from BB15.

Well that's it folks, like I said look for one of these every Thursday....except next Thursday because I'll be at a cottage.  Give me a follow on the Twitter @HDH2112 in the meantime.

I look forward to another season of writing these ridiculous blogs, I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them!