Holy Fuckballs the Leafs won a game!

Alright you fucking amateur comedians, I suppose we need to start planning the parade because the Leafs actually won a game (albeit against the woeful Oilers), man those plan the parade jokes are SO funny and original... is your shitty bar gonna offer free beer during Leafs playoff games too? That one won't get old either.  You might as well be fucking Buzz Killington telling those jokes right before getting to a story about a bridge.  Leafs bashing is as old as the hills, for the love of god come up with some new fucking jokes, screaming about parades and 1967 isn't funny.  I like a good joke as much as the next guy, even if it comes at mine or my teams expense.  My uncle (a Leafs basher) came up with "There is no Reimer reason that guy should be in the NHL" that is actually funny, get creative with photoshops, just any joke about planning a parade is beyond stupid, because let me tell you the parade IS planned, and it will be the grandest parade the world has ever seen and I will be front and center with my shirt off chugging beers.  It's going to be worth all these years of agony once the Leafs finally do win the Stanley Cup.  The next few seasons will be tough in Leafland, I know everyone and their uncle is calling for the Leafs to tank for McDavid, but one pick isn't going to turn things around... look at Edmonton, how many number one picks have they had?  The key is to draft smart in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th rounds and beyond, it's like my fantasy football teams, I always get a good high draft pick, then surround them with assholes and I miss the playoffs every fucking year.  I think Brendan Shanahan has put together the right brain trust to draft smart... and thank fuck that won't include Dave Nonis.  It's high time that squid get shown the door, too bad he can't take David Clarkson's contract with him.  Remember when Nonis signed Clarkson and he said "I am not worried about Year 5" ugh... he must've known he would've been fired after year 2 of that horrific contract.  The Clarkson signing is going to plague this team for years to come. It's gonna be a slow rebuild, but it's something that should've been done years ago.  Ever since they introduced the hard cap the Leafs have been a fucking tire fire because nobody has had a single clue how to run the team properly, it'll take a while to clean up a decade of futility.

The Week Ahead: vs. New York Rangers (2/10), @ New York Islanders (2/12), @ Montreal (2/14).  Believe it or not the Leafs didn't play that horrifically last week, they had horrible luck against Nashville... well I didn't watch the New Jersey game because the Raptors are on (who in their right mind would watch the Leafs over the Raptors these days) and they made short work of the terrible Oilers.  All that good will undoubtedly fly out the window this week as they play 3 playoff teams.  As long as they beat those god forsaken toilet seat logo Habs I will be happy.  The Habs are a fucking joke of a franchise, I wonder if we're going to have to endure a 45 minute pre-game ceremony honouring some plug that played for the team in 1968.  One of these days I hope someone drops that stupid torch and melts a big patch in the ice and the Habs are forced to forfeit.

If you told me last week the Raptors would go 2-2 I would think that sounded about right, considering they played two teams worse than them in the East and then the always tough Clippers and the defending champs.  The exact opposite happened, they played like complete dog shit against the Bucks and the Nets, and in the first quarter against the Clippers... but then James Johnson happened.  James Johnson had a hurt hamstring and missed a few games, and in the games before he was hurt Dwane Casey had him inexplicably nailed to the bench.  James Johnson is the People's Champ.  When he came off the bench to play the Clippers he got a roaring round of applause from the ACC faithful.  He started the game against the Spurs yesterday and delivered the dagger against the Champs denying Pop his 1,000th win.  He does what the rest of the Raptors don't seem to do... drive the ball to the hoop.  Take the game against the Bucks where they looked awful they were 7 for 27 from 3-point range and 32% overall, they keep insisting on throwing up 3's despite if they are hitting them or not (Lou Williams I'm looking in your direction), and taking horribly contested jump shots.  I don't want to dwell on the negative considering those Clippers and Spurs wins were huge but why was my boy Big V nailed to the bench against the Bucks?  He was the only starter who showed up in the first half and got a double double... for that he was awarded 5 minutes of playing time in the entire second half.   Anyways the last 3 quarters of the Clippers game and the Spurs game last night was two of the better games I have seen all year from the Raptors, I was so happy watching that Spurs game, it's always nice to beat the champs!  It's good to have some momentum going into the All-Star break.

The Week Ahead: vs. Washington (2/11).  One fucking game because of the All-Star break and of course it's on Wednesday the night I have trivia.  The NBA is experimenting with a prolonged All-Star break this year, and you know what I don't have a problem with it, I know they're millionaire athletes but an 82 game schedule is a grind, we're in the February doldrums now so it'll be good for players to get away for a bit, heal up some nagging injuries and come back refreshed.  The game itself against the Wizards should be good, they are two similar teams and have played tight games against each other all year, it's potentially a playoff preview too.

MISCELLANEOUS NEWS 

The Blue Jays held their State of the Franchise thing last Thursday.  It's only for season tickets holders and they get free beer and food and a chance to hear answers to screened questions.  Nothing really new came from it, but there is fancy new turf and Paul Beeston is still convinced the SkyDome will have natural grass by 2018... colour me skeptical on that.  We got to hear Buck Martinez' lovely voice again, count me in the minority but I have no problem with Buck or Tabby.  Alex Anthopolous has the tendency of saying a lot of things, without saying anything at all, so if you missed this don't worry, it's just a sign that baseball is just around the corner! That warms the cockles of my cold winters heart.  I am going to write a Spring Training preview separate from my usual Monday ramblings in the next few weeks, so be on the look out for that!

Brandon Banks re-signed with the Ti-Cats! Him and Luke Tasker both made commitments to the Ti-Cats this off-season when they could've gone to an NFL practice squad somewhere, but no they love the Hammer and want to win here.  I can't wait to get back to Tim Hortons Field this summer... look for the "Ti-Cats Game Heckle of the Week" on this blog (and hopefully podcast) once the season gets rolling.

Richie Incognito signed with the Bills... not too sure how I feel about that one, he seems like a gigantic arsehole, but the Bills need an offensive lineman and hopefully he's learned his lesson after being away from the game for a year and a half.

Now it's time for everyone's new favourite segment - C'Mon Bud!! Originally my target was going to be Peter Horachek for putting Jonathan Bernier back in the game against Nashville when Optimus Reim was playing well, and the Leafs had the victory.... only to see it fall apart yet again.  But then I saw this on my Twitter feed this morning...

C'Mon Bud!! This is absolutely fucking ridiculous, no I didn't read the article, it's probably absolute garbage, and up until this morning I didn't even know The Hockey News still existed.  The Hockey Media get all butt-hurt when Phil Kessel doesn't want to talk to them and think that they are idiots, well no fucking wonder, if you see shit like this would you want to talk to the squids?  Oh and how cute making a 1967 reference, go fuck yourselves Hockey News.  I know that Phil hasn't played well lately, but who has on the Leafs?  He is playing with Tyler fucking Bozak, and I am sorry the guy absolutely sucks.  He is not anywhere near a first line centre and he is dragging Kessel down with him.  Phil is not a fucking coach killer any coach in the league would be lucky to have Phil.  It's been a bad go for the Leafs lately and this is piling on.  My buddy and I were thinking the other day, imagine Sundin centering Kessel while both were in their primes?? Jesus Christ that would be a lot of goals... buuuuut the Toronto media would probably still say "duhhhhhh Sundin not leader, he no grinder from Mimico, where grit? Phil score 50 goal but he hurt my feelings bloo bloo bloo".  I am beginning to think Phil will be better off on another team, not because he sucks but the Leafs are in a complete overhaul now, and why would he waste more of his prime years on the hot garbage Leafs.  I would love to see him flourish in anonymity on an American team if only to rub it into Dave Feschuk and the rest of the squids faces.

Kessel the Best, Raps Back on Track, Deflate-Gate

Due to the god-forsaken All-Star Game the Leafs only played two games last week, and they lost both thus continuing Death Spiral v. 4.0  The All-Star Break couldn't have come at a better time for the boys, hopefully they got some rest and got their heads screwed on straight being away from Toronto and the vultures in the media for a few days.  I barely watched any of the All-Star coverage... I rarely do in any of the sports because it's garbage, the players don't want to be there, the game itself is horse shit, plus all the leagues have taken to creating atrocious uniforms for the occasion.  This years NHL All-Star jerseys looked like some bootleg moto-cross bullshit you'd find on the shelves of your local Bi-Way.  All that being said, a great thing happened at the Fantasy Draft last Friday.  "Team Foligno" picked first (on an aside, I know he plays for Columbus and that's where the game is but I guarantee 95% of sports fans said what the fuck is a Team Foligno, way to go NHL) and he picked Blue Jacket teammate Ryan Johansen... fair enough I guess, get a cheap pop from the home crowd.  Then Team Toews picked next, and he went and picked the one and only Phil Kessel, and then proclaimed that he picked him because he is "very coachable".  I stood up and applauded when I heard that... It got a chuckle out of ol' Philly Blunt, plus he didn't have to endure the humiliation of getting picked last.  Also in my opinion Toews did that as a big 'Fuck You!' to Wrong Wilson, Dave Feschuk and the rest of the fucking squids in the Toronto media.  These guys are all tight and they probably see the shit that Kessel is getting put through in Toronto and feel bad for him.  Speaking of Feschuk, being called an idiot by Kessel is probably the best thing to happen in his shitty little career.  I'm not sure if he has been on TSN SportsCentre for a while, because I boycotted TSN SportsCentre for a couple of years, and I only started watching it again because I loathe the Sportsnet Hockey Panel (except Elliote Friedman) but this squid has popped up on SportsCentre shitting out his horrible opinions, on you guessed it Phil Kessel.  It's the usual bullshit he's been spewing since Kessel has showed up in Toronto... "They need to trade Kessel, he is fat, he can't play defense, who cares if he scores goals I want to be a contrarian arsehole in order to get more exposure and line my own wallet bloo bloo bloo let me call James Reimers sweet old mother at home and harass her derp derp derp."  Remember that piece of shit Feschuk wrote this book:

Only $19.67, how fucking cute.  So he hates the Leafs, he hates Kessel, I am not saying that everyone in the media should be Leafs Homers.  James Mirtle of the Globe and Mail is hard on the Leafs but his arguments make actual sense and he didn't go to the Damien Cox school of Trolling.  The Leafs have missed the playoffs in 9 of the last 10 seasons and the way things are going it looks like they won't make it again, but Phil Kessel is not the fucking problem, it's the players that have been brought in to surround Kessel.  They bring in players not based on their talent but supposed "character" and that they're "winners."  You can't fucking buy character, you can't buy winners but you can buy talent.  The Leafs have fucked up monumentally in that regard, and getting rid of an elite talent like Phil Kessel will only set them back even further.

The Week Ahead: @ New Jersey (1/28), vs. Arizona (1/29), @ Philadelphia (1/31).  On paper this could be an easy week for the Leafs, but as we all know nothing comes easy for the Leafs these days. All three of these teams are below the Leafs in the standings, so hopefully some R&R over the All-Star break did them some good and they can get back to winning, and maybe actually scoring some goals.  Let's face it the Leafs have been pretty downright unwatchable these days, defensive hockey is boring as shit, and that's what Horachek is trying to instill in these boys... just score some fucking goals already.

The Raptors went 3-1 last week and appear to be slowly but surely emerging from their mid-season funk that has dated back to New Years.  Granted they didn't look like world-beaters in beating the Bucks, 76ers and Pistons (all missing good players, or in the 76ers case are a glorified D-League team), they looked a lot better on the defensive end against the Grizzlies, but fuck they shot blanks.  They looked a lot better last night against the Pistons, DeMar is starting to shake off the rust from his injury.  I think all the hoopla surrounding getting Kyle Lowry starting on the All-Star team was a bit of a distraction... in other news thank fuck I never have to hear Matty D say "HASH TAG NBA BALLOT" ever again.  PS Congrats to Kyle on getting the start, but as we all know All-Star Games are bullshit, and I would rather him get the rest.  One thing is curious though, in the last week James Johnson has seen his playtime decrease to Bruno and Bebe levels, and I really don't understand this at all.  James Johnson was with the Raptors once before, and Dwane Casey nailed him to the bench then, citing some attitude problem, and he left the team on poor terms.  He returned to the team this year, and I thought played very well for them in the first part of the season, and his attitude has never come into question, in fact there were plenty of reports on how much it has improved.  Coach Casey insists that he's not getting benched for any disciplinary reason, or based on his play just that they are "trying new things".  Still I don't like it, James Johnson is the poor man's Lebron and I think he should be starting instead of Greivis Vasquez.  Perhaps this is just a temporary thing, Johnson is great on the boards, gets big blocks and unlike a lot of the boys recently isn't afraid to drive the lane for thunderous dunks.  Plus his nickname is Bloodsport... how cool is that?

The Week Ahead: @ Indiana (1/27), vs. Sacramento (1/28), @ Brooklyn (1/30), @ Washington (1/31).  4 game in 5 nights, with 3 on the road... Yikes.  Perhaps it is good after all that James Johnson has been resting up?  The good news is 3 of the 4 teams are sub-500 and are on the outside looking in of the playoffs.  The game of the week will be the Wizards game Saturday night, but the Brooklyn game on Friday should be good too, because I guess they are the Raptors biggest rival these days.  Fuck Brooklyn! 

I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up one of the biggest stories in the sports world, that of the New England Patriots being caught red-handed AGAIN being no good rotten cheaters.  While at the end of the day I must admit that the Patriots could've used under-inflated beach balls and still would've beaten the Colts in the AFC Title game just the optics of the whole thing stinks.  The dual press conferences held by Bill Belicheat and Tom "Uggs" Brady were dreadful.  They were both clearly lying, flames around them should've been digitally added by Channel Six.  I think they'd be better off just coming out and admitting that they purposely deflated the ball.  Belisuck had another press conference the other day where he went all physicist and he was more emphatic that they didn't do anything untoward... all of which was shot down by the smartest man on Earth Bill Nye The Science Guy.  The Patriots have a culture of cheating, there was the tuck rule, Spy-Gate, tricky plays against the Ravens and now this.  Don't tell me that this was the first week they used deflated balls, I guarantee they've done this all season, perhaps longer.  Also Patriots owner Robert Kraft (who wears the same damned suit everyday) is good friends with Roger Goodell, many have gone as far to say that Kraft is the defacto assistant commissioner, so I smell a major conflict of interest there.  Goodell is a fucking joke, he can go and bully Marshawn Lynch and not let him wear gold cleats, but he'll let the Patriots cheat under his watch.  Go ahead and deny it Brady, we have seen all the denials before - Ryan Braun, Lance Armstrong, Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon etc. and how did those turn out?  Honesty is the best policy! Tom Brady went on the radio and said his "feelings were hurt" what a fucking baby, no wonder he is afraid of waterslides.  I still maintain the Seahawks are going to win the Super Bowl, this whole thing must be a distraction for the Patriots, and now they'll be watched closely and all their cheating ways will be exposed.

That's all for this week... I thought about writing something about the whole Paul Beeston situation for the Jays but it's so fucking stupid.  "Lil'" Eddie Rogers aka Bumblefuck Eddie has made a mess of this, and has looked terrible in MLB's old boys network.  What a fucking did-saster.  Follow my man Andrew Stoeten for all the news about that.  Until next week give me a follow on twitter @HDH2112.