Jays Limp Into the All-Star Break

These days the Jays got me like...

What in the flying fuck is going on in Blue Jay Land these days?  What an absolutely frustrating and annoying road trip that was.  A mediocre 3-7 marred by terrible pitching, comatose bats when they were pitching well, defensive and baserunning miscues that your average T-Ball player would make has left them below .500 heading into a crucial second half of the season.

This All-Star Break couldn't come at a better time.  Jose Bautista has time to get a cortisone shot in his wonky shoulder without having to miss any time,  the rest of the boys can rest some minor nagging injuries, maybe Jose Reyes can go do some fucking ground ball drills.  I hate to be hard on Reyes, because he does a lot more good than bad for this team, and I hate justifying the garbage clowns but Jesus Murphs Bud, it doesn't make it easy to defend the guy when his bumble-fuck errors single-handedly lose the team games.

Despite all the moans and feet stomping of the pissy pant man babies, this is still a good team, the AL East is still up for grabs, the team is only 4.5 games out, and if they fire off another 11 game win streak (something which this team is perfectly capable of doing) then I think it'll be PLAYOFFS!!!!11 for the first time in 22 years.  Because like Ricky says...

For the Jays to actually not take my eternal optimism... or optometrism for granted...

THEY NEED SOME FUCKING PITCHING

Hollering Fuck has anything been more glaring in your entire life?  Papa Buherle and Dickey are not going anywhere in the rotation, but one of Drew Hutchison, Polo Erik or fucking Felix Doubront could easily take a seat for Cole Hamels?? Johnny Cueto??  Craig Kimbrel??  Please AA for the sake of my soul and my sanity get us another arm, another bullpen arm would be swell too, that Pig Fucker Papelbon told my boy Barry Davis that he would welcome a trade to Toronto.  Just get it done, anyone but Marcus Stroman should be available.  Hutchison? Hoffman? Norris? Sanchez?  It's been a slice boys, enjoy your new teams because Flags Fly Forever.

I know it's easier said than done to make a trade, and with the second wild card and the amount of parity in baseball not a lot of teams are ready to pull the plug on the season, plus every other team within contention are going to make the same calls for players like Johnny Cueto that the Jays do, and they could come up with a better package.  But if AA stands pat and doesn't make a big move, it could come with disastrous consequences.

It was criminal on Sunday when the Jays offense brought them back from being down 7-0, score 8 runs in the inning, only to have the pitching and defense piss it all away twice.  This is one of the best offenses I have ever seen, and while they will lose to great pitching, they'll beat up on the dregs of the league.

Throughout all the bullshit and frustrations it's a dream watching Josh Donaldson play.  I just saw this picture on Twitter courtesy the hilarious @matttomic that perfectly sums up the fleecing AA and the Jays made on the Oakland A's... and people are begging AA to get fired.

This weeks Squid of the Week could easily go to Umpire Jerry "Eats Too Many" Meals for the absolutely embarrassing Ump Show he put on display tossing Jose Bautista mid-at bat on Sunday,  But the Squid(s) of the Week is the entire MLB Umpiring Fraternity.

What is up with these assholes?? They are fucking BRUTAL, the strike zones some of these boys have is absolutely unbelievable.  They need just to use pitch-tracks for balls and strikes, make it fair and across the board for everyone.  How does 99.9% of people see something as a ball, but 0.01% of people (the one who matters the Ump) sees something as a strike happen all the god damned time

Yeah I know they are only human, but what Meals did to Bautista is something I have seen across the league, in that these Umpires are challenging players, they are taking their masks off and initiating arguments, they are practically BEGGING the players to yell something at them so they can throw them out.  People don't pay money for a ticket to watch the fucking Umpires and I think some of these squids don't realize this.

I understand these guys don't want to be chirped at but, they have to be the bigger man in this situation.  What Meals did was unforgivable on Sunday, he should be fined, he should be reprimanded but it won't happen.  These Umpires stay in the league until they retire, or until they drop dead.  Managers get fired, players get sent to the minors but umpires will always have their jobs no matter how fucking terrible they are.

The Week Ahead: vs. Tampa Bay (7/17 - 7/19) No baseball until Friday :( Well the Home-Run Derby is on now, I watch it every year but turn it off every year because it is unbelievably boring.  I'll at least watch until Josh Donaldson is out.  PS It can't be stated enough that Josh Donaldson is the greatest.  The All-Star Game is kind of stupid too, I like the player introductions and that's it. 

They get Tampa when they come back from the break ugh.  At least it's not at the Trop, I want to go to one of the games this weekend but if Chris Archer is pitching one of them for Tampa there is no way I am going to watch them get shut out.

I was racking my brain for a C'Mon Bud all day today (trust me working this noodle requires A LOT of work) and was just going to skip it this week, that was until I tuned into the Home Run Derby and saw Chris Berman's "Hair"

C'Mon Bud, what's up with that comb over mullet??  Did he put some Sun-In in his hair??  Hulk Hogan wants his look back bud.  Jesus Murphs just embrace the #PlayBald movement and live your life as a bald man, trust me once you do that things will be a lot better for you.

I actually don't have that much of a problem with Chris Berman, he gets a hard time from a lot of people but I like him.  In fact, this segment "C'Mon Bud" is a complete rip-off of his "C'Mon Man" segment on the Monday Night Football Pre-Game Show.  Plus he came to Hamilton last year for the Labour Day Classic and I saw him pounding back beers, so for that alone he will always be fine in my books... but fuck get a new hair doo.

I was too busy ranting and raving about Phil Kessel and the Squid of the Year Steve Simmons to talk about the moves the Raptors made last week.  But... the Raptors made moves!!  Positive Moves!

Cory Joseph is going to prove to be an incredible signing for this team, he is a proven winner and comes from one of the best organizations in all of Pro Sports in the Spurs.  Plus unlike the crop of players last year he can play defense.  Yeah he is from Toronto and that is going to get the Maple Dicks erect, but I think his passport is secondary compared to the player they got.  It's a nice storyline that he is the first Canadian to play on the Raptors in his prime, the first Raptor who grew up idolizing the team to come home and play for them.... actually Maple Dicks Ahoy that is pretty fucking awesome.

The Raptors also picked up Demarre Carrol from the Hawks, he is going be a fan favourite in Toronto, he's already promised to be JYD 2.0.  Raptors fans appreciate the player Carrol will be and I am looking forward to seeing him play.  Defense was obviously the major issue down the stretch with the Raptors down the stretch and in the playoffs, and I think getting the likes of Joseph and Carrol and losing Lou Williams and Amir Johnson will pay dividends

That being said, it is with a heavy heart to say goodbye to Amir Johnson, yeah he was slowing down and the best move basketball wise was to let him walk, but the guy was a pro.  He actually embraced the city of Toronto and embraced being a Raptor, he was the best player on some really shitty Raptor teams, and I will miss him and I wish him the best of luck in Boston.

Raptors Disappointment; Orioles = Trash Birds and more!

Well, I guess the season isn't technically over yet, but for all intents and purposes it is, a once promising season landed with a thud.  It's just so depressing, but such as life as a Toronto sports fan.  Really the writing has been on the wall the entire second half of the season.  I turned a blind eye to it, and so did most Raptors fans, we all assumed that come playoff time a switch would flip and they'd stop playing like shit heads.  Porous defence and reprehensible shot selection sunk this team, time after time it would be one pass and done.  Hitting 3's is great when they sink, but when they don't why do you keep going to the well??  In Game 3 they were in the bonus for christs sakes and instead of driving the lane and drawing a foul it was just terrible jumper after jumper.

As much as it sucks that the Raptors are on the verge of being swept, some short term pain could end up helping out in the long term, because "In Masai I Trust".  When the Leafs made the playoffs and pushed Boston to 7 games (ugh Game 7 memories...) the Leafs braintrust were clouded by that miracle run and assumed that they were just a couple of pieces away from being contenders. They stood pat with the core, bringing in nothing but shit head "character" guys to supposedly put them over the edge. Two miserable years later they've correctly decided to blow it up.

Masai Ujiri is a fuck of a lot smarter than the dunderheads that ran the Leafs and thank god for that.  Amir Johnson, Lou Williams, Chuck Hayes and Landry Fields are all coming off the books, they don't have shitty contracts anchoring them, and they have cap space.  I don't think Masai will be sitting idley by this off-season, something tells me he's going to have a hell of a lot more than a hundra messages on his shitty Blackberry.  I am pretty ignorant to the rest of the NBA landscape so I don't know who is available, but they definitely need another Big Man, and maybe some "veteran presents" that isn't that old geezer Chuck Hayes.

I don't think Dwane Casey's job is necessarily safe either, when Masai was the GM of the Denver Nuggets he fired George Karl despite winning 57 games and winning Coach of the Year honours because of what they did in the playoffs.  The Raptors have been talking about getting Kevin Durant in his free agent year forever, perhaps if they bring in his former coach in OKC Scott Brooks that will help with his decision. 

Well this year was fun Raptors (at least the first half was!) Next year they'll be back with a new logo and snazzy new uniforms, and hopefully a new outlook on the season.  I'll still watch Game 4 tonight, they might even win, fuck they may even make this a series still, but it'll take a miracle, and as I have already said, this sweep could be the best thing to happen to the Raptors long term.

As a Leafs fan, the only good thing about the NHL playoffs is hating on other teams.  Hate hate hate hate hate hate.  I'll admit I LOVE trolling my friends who are fans of other teams, Sens, Habs and Red Wings fans earn the most of my scorn.  Pretty much after every team I hate is eliminated the hockey playoffs are less fun... plus the season goes way too fucking late, hockey shouldn't be played in June.

 

This Sens and Habs series can't end soon enough, I hate both teams so much and I don't want either to be happy.  That being said the most hilarious outcome for a Player Hater like myself is for the shitty Sens to come back and beat the Habs in 7.  The Habs sweeping the Sens would have been hilarious too, but since that is not happening a Habs collapse would be perfect.  Whoever wins this series is likely to face the Red Wings next round, and while I like to give the gears to friends of mine who are Wings fans, I will cheer for them to beat either Montreal or Ottawa.  

I'm not all hate this post-season, I have decided to throw my support behind those plucky Calgary Flames.  Yeah I called the people who just cheer for the Canadian teams the Squid of the Week a couple of weeks ago, and I still stand behind that, but I would like this Flames team no matter where they played.  I don't even like Calgary, it's full of Harper-lovers and wannabe cowboys.  It's a decent enough city, but as far as Canadian City Power Rankings are concerned it's definitely low on the list.  That being said I have friends from Calgary and I think they're swell.  

The Flames play the Ducks next round, the Ducks weren't that overly impressive despite sweeping Winnipeg, as they barely led in that series and relied on timely scoring.  Speaking of Winnipeg I am so happy they're eliminated so the Canadian hockey media can stop having a circle jerk over their fucking fans.  Enough is enough, yeah they're loud and wear white, yippee-yay.  Every NHL arena is loud, that's kind of what happens when you put 18,000 screaming people into a room.  What does Winnipeg have to look forward to now??  It's still winter for another 6 weeks, then it's mosquito season, and you still live in shitty Winnipeg.  Sorry buds.

Another up and down week for the Jays.  They looked amazing sweeping those asshole, trash bird Orioles (more on that series in the Squid of the Week section), but as usual have been terrible in Tampa Bay.  Fuck what is it with the Tampa Bay Rays and Tropicana Field?  The Jays are 1-5 against Tampa and 8-4 against everyone else!  That's worthy of a.......

C'Mon Bud, I hate the fucking Rays so much, the Jays were awful on Friday, squandered a lead yesterday and today they are booting the ball around like assholes while Chris Archer is shutting them down.  Even back when they were the Devil Rays and the laughing stock of baseball the Jays couldn't beat them in that horrible, soulless stadium.  Jays fans travel well, but that's the last place I'd take in a game, it's a terrible stadium and they can never fucking win there!!  Not only do they lose there, they always find ugly ways to lose, it's the Blue Jays house of horrors, burn that place to the ground.

The Week Ahead: @ Boston (4/27 - 4/29) @ Cleveland (4/30 - 5/3)  All those Red Sox games start at 6:10... what's up with that?  Anyways, the Jays play a lot better in Fenway than they do in Tampa.  Jose Bautista will hopefully come back, and maybe this is the series that will get EE going with that bat, both those guys love mashing over the stupid Green Monster.  The highlight of the week though is your boy HDH will be in Cleveland as part of the 2nd Annual Beers and Baseball road trip.  I'll be there for the Friday and Saturday game, and I am pumped!  I'll tell you all about it in my blog next week.  The Cleveland Racist Logos are shit, so hopefully this dreadful series against Tampa is long forgotten by then!

As shitty as the Rays series has been, and as much as I hate the Rays, the sweep against the Orioles (henceforth known as the Trash Birds) was awesome, and I fucking despise the Trash Birds, and I especially despise their asshole manager Buck Showalter, who is this weeks Squid of the Week.

My bud Andrew Stoeten put it best when he said "The shitheel Baltimore Orioles, a living, breathing, 25-man avatar for the pile of human garbage posing as their manager, Buck Showalter"  Showalter is an asshole, he claims that he is "playing the right way" ....which pretty much can be interpreted as playing the "white way."  He's had his shitballers throw at our best player in Jose Bautista twice this season and twice Bautista responded with a home run, because Jose Bautista is the BEST.  Speaking of Jose Bautista being the best... let's watch him pimp that home run once again for old times sake.

Of course Showalter and the Trash Birds were up in arms over Jose's bat flip and his slow jaunt around the bases, but fuck them.  Jose responded brilliantly to Adam Jones and the rest of those shit heads after that game.   They said this shitballer pitcher is just a rookie and it was a mistake, well Stroman was a rookie last year when he hit a Trash Bird and they made a big stink about that.  Fuck Shitwalter is responsible for all this mess.

Then the Squid comes out and says that they considered boycotting the game because of the new turf at the SkyDome, boo fucking hoo you plug.   About the turf, it's a non issue, it'll flatten out over the course of the season and no one will talk about it again.  Anyways Showalter is a terrible manager and a terrible human being and is quite fitting for this week's Squid of the Week Award.

Raptors-Jizzards Game 1, Jays and more!

Welp, that... that wasn't very good.  Despite making a valiant fourth quarter comeback yesterday the Raptors were nothing short of awful against the Jizzards (yes I am going there...) yesterday afternoon.  All the worries everyone had about the Raptors before the playoffs while they were sputtering down the stretch manifested itself in one of the ugliest basketball games I have seen in a while.

Kyle Lowry had a terrible afternoon and fouled out of the game.  T. Ross and DeRozan were pretty bad too, the Raptors could not get any fucking rebounds and as usual settled for 3 balls and contested jump shots, at one point they had more 3 point shot attempts than free throw attempts... that's just unacceptable.  All that being said there is some positives to be taken from the game... really there is.  Lowry was awful, DeRozan was awful, they played like assholes in the 2nd and 3rd quarters, but they still managed to push the game to overtime.  Yeah then they laid a complete egg in overtime but that's beside the point, if Lowry and DeRozan can play like they can then I see them beating Old Man Pierce and the Jizzards.

There has been a lot of garbage clowns on Twitter over the course of the season that have been shitting on Coach Dwane Casey (like you squids can do a better job) some of it justified but mostly it was just hot air, but after yesterday Coach Casey can be justifiably criticized for the way he used his bench.   Where in the fuck was James Johnson?  The team couldn't rebound to save their life yet their best rebounder was nailed to the bench.  It absolutely made no sense.  James Johnson was one of the better stories in the first half of the year (when they were setting the league on fire) and in the second half when they have been struggling James Johnson has been relegated to Greg Steimsma minutes.  Casey insists that James Johnson isn't in the dog house, but the number of minutes he's been playing begs to differ.  Even Zach Lowe from Grantland tweeted out wondering where the fuck James Johnson was.  It seems as though Casey waits until between games rather than making in game adjustments.  To me it is inexcusable when they we they couldn't buy a rebound to have Johnson, Big V and the White Mamba (their best rebounders) stapled to the bench.

I'd be remiss if I didn't say that Masai Ujiri is the best.  Once again he went out to the masses in Jurassic Park yesterday and once again he said a swear saying that they "didn't give a shit about him" in reference to that geezer Paul Pierce.  Masai has turned this team around, and they are only going to get better, I still think they are going to get by Washington but most likely not much farther.  I am interested to see what he is going to do in the off-season, I am sure he has some tricks up his sleeve (and at least a hundra messages on his shitty Blackberry).

The Week Ahead: Game 2 @ Toronto (4/21), Game 3 @ Washington (4/24) What's with these stupid big gaps in between games?  It shouldn't take 2 fucking weeks to play a 7 game series.  Anyways I am fully expecting Lowry, DeRozan and the rest of the team to bounce back in Game 2 on Tuesday night, I predicted Raptors in 6 before the series and I am going to stick to that!

Welp, the Jays didn't have the best of weeks.  It's really feast or famine with this bunch so far, especially offensively.  I am not concerned about the bats, Bautista and Eddie are traditional slow starters, but Donaldson has been incredible and Martin has been showing signs of waking up out of his early season slump, they ran into some good pitching, especially against Tampa so I don't think there is anything to worry about.

The pitching is the one thing that has worried me so far, it seems when there is a decent pitching performance the bats have fallen asleep.  They've used their bullpen far too much, even today Daniel Norris only made it through 2.2 innings.  Hutch hasn't been very good and Sanchez is having some growing pains.  Dickey and Buerhle have been okay, but they need their youngsters to step it up.

Already the Garbage Clowns are calling this season a bust.  You wonder why there is a large segment of Toronto sports fans are panicky idiots.  It's because of asshole media squids like Steve Simmons who just shat out this tweet:

Are you fucking kidding me?? The season is imploding?  Every Jays talk caller and every asshole who says #FYREGABBBOBZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 on Twitter is a fucking an garbage clown and Steve Simmons is their fearless leader.  What a complete and utter stupid thing to say.  He's the worst.

Anyways, I was at the game on Wednesday and check out these seats...

Ooooooooh fuck yeah bud, by far the best seats I have ever had at a Blue Jays game, and unlike when I sit in the 500's like usual there was a good chance that the players I was heckling actually heard the heckles.  Speaking of heckling, I pride myself on coming up with creative heckles, and so does my buddy Ando who was at the game does too.  But, there was these squids in front of us whose idea of heckling was just saying the players name over and over in a stupid voice... that's not heckling that's just being a retard.  Which brings us too....

The Squid of the Week isn't Steve Simmons, or even Mark Stone for faking that wrist injury in the Sens-Habs playoff series it was this stupid old man that made me miss Kevin Pillar's catch of the year at the game I was at.  To refresh your memory Kevin Pillar did THIS last Wednesday night...

Catch of the year eh... well as I mentioned before sitting in front of us were these ne'er do well early twenty-somethings who actually moved up a couple of rows (possibly to hear more of our hilarious heckles).  I was sitting on seat 1 right on the aisle, that's good for all involved as I drink a lot of beer and hence break the seal and piss a lot, and as far as I know it's uncouth to have a piss jug by your seat at at ball game.  Anyways there was this stupid old man talking to those squids in front of us showing all these "hilarious" novelty dollar bills he got in Miami, he just kept going and going, comepletely blocking my view of the game.  These bills were incredibly unfunny Bill Clinton on the "Sex Dollar Bill", Barack Obama had the $0 Dollar Bill, Monica Lewinsky had a milk mustache on one, he made sure that this guy got the jokes "get it?! A Milk Mustache... you know what that actual means!" this dork actually said that.

I was getting so fucking annoyed with this guy, and then while he was doing this the crowd errupts in applause.  Kevin Pillar just made the catch of the year, quite possibly one of the best catches a Blue Jay outfielder has ever made and I had to watch the replay on the Jumbotron because Old Man River was in my way.  I was about to tell him to fuck off and get out of the way before that, but I am too polite, but after I said "You made me miss the catch of the year you old fart get the fuck out of here!!!"  Anyways he left and when I was on one of my many trips to the bathroom I saw him regaling one of the ushers with the same shitty dollar bills I saw before.  I will forever be pissed off that I didn't see that catch live because of that stupid old fart.

C'Mon Bud is easy this week... C'Mon Bud goes to the fucking Edmonton Oilers for once again winning the Draft Lottery and once again are going to ruin a great young prospect.  C'Mon Bud absolutely NOBODY outside of Edmonton wanted the Oilers to get McDavid.  They're a wasteland of talent, not to mention the city of Edmonton is a wasteland itself.  How does years of management ineptitude get rewarded time after time again?  The Oilers don't deserve this... I'm not saying the Leafs deserved it (well... that would've been nice) but anyone besides fucking Edmonton.

McDavid will be squandered there, just like Eberle, Hall and Yakupov.  People keep saying Edmonton fans deserve it because they always sell out the last 10 years even though they haven't made the playoffs, yet in the same breath the shit on Leafs fans for doing the same thing.  I bet the NHL isn't pleased either having a generational talent stuck in Edmonton.  I think Connor McDavid's best bet is to pull an Eric Lindros and refuse to go to the Oilers, and then he'll get traded to the Leafs.  That's the scenerio that everybody wants.

Nonis Fired!!! NHL Predictions & More!

The Leafs mercifully concluded yet another disastrous season last night, and today they ended Dave Nonis' disastrous run as General Manager of the team.  Good riddance bud, get the fuck out and never come back.  Nonis made some awful, awful moves as GM from getting rid of Grabovski for nothing, signing ludicrous cap-crippling contract extensions, and then there was the whole David Clarkson fiasco.

So today the Leafs have no GM, which is a lot more of a competent GM than they had yesterday.  Pretty much every move Nonis made was met with a "why the fuck would you do that?" reaction.  It was pretty much scorched earth today, Peter Horachek and the rest of the coaching staff was let go, and most of the scouting department is gone too.   Thank fuck for that, this team is awful, I couldn't even bring myself to watch any of the games the last month or so.

The best thing about this is the insufferable squids in the Toronto media are bloo-blooing about this because apparently Dave Nonis was a "good guy".   That mook Steve Simmons sent out a tweet saying all the "good guys" the Leafs have let go in the last few years who were let down by their players.  Give me a fucking break, these assholes assembled this terrible team and were terrible at their jobs and deserved to be fired.  The King Squid Darren Dreger (who just happens to be Nonis' cousin) has been saying all along that Nonis is going to be back...so once again Dreger is dead wrong.  I am picturing Nonis and Dreger sitting in their jammies crushing some pints of Hagan Daaz having a pity party.

This is truly Shanahan's team now, the stench from the Burke/Nonis era is all gone, and this team is going to look dramatically different when training camp kicks off in September, it will be very interesting to see how it all plays out.  Kyle Dubas and Mark Hunter running the draft this year is going to be incredible, not only the chance at McDavid or another top 4 pick but they will be great in the late rounds.  The late round picks is where good teams find their players... look at the fucking Oilers how many number 1 overall picks have they had and where has that landed them?  The Leafs next year may end up struggling and missing the playoffs (again) but at least there will be a good core of young players who are actually trying and are improving their game over time.

Despite my interest in hockey being at an all time low thanks to the miserable Leafs, playoff hockey especially in the first round is pretty awesome.  Plus I like to make predictions, there is a bunch of smart alec's who make saucy comments on my Facebook saying just to pick the opposite who I pick and whoever I pick gets the kiss of death.  Fuck you, my picks are always right, yeah I picked the Leafs to win the Cup this year, so I might've been a little off there but more often than not I am right.

 Anaheim Ducks vs. Winnipeg Jets

Winner:

in 6

Winnipeg hasn't seen playoff hockey since 1996 when the former Jets were eliminated and they moved to Phoenix.  Good for Jets fans, they live in Winnipeg after all for fucks sakes they don't have much going for them.  I liked Paul Maurice when he coached the Leafs and I am happy to see he is having success in the Peg.  The Ducks are too good though, I'll give the Jets a couple of wins based on their rabid fans alone.

St. Louis Blues vs. Minnesota Wild

Winner:

in 6

I don't fucking know... two of the most boring bland teams in the NHL, I can't say that I have watched either team much, so I am going with St. Louis because they have my boy Alexander Steen (imagine if he was still on the Leafs...ugh)

Chicago Blackhawks vs. Nashville Predators
Winner:

in 7

Chicago has a team full of players who know what it's like to win the Stanley Cup, and they shouldn't be discounted.  In fact, I hope the Leafs end up emulating the Chicago Blackhawks, remember back in the 2000's the Blackhawks were a joke, missing the playoffs year after year, kind of like the present day Leafs, but they got their shit together, drafted well, made good moves and bang they are a perennial Stanley Cup contender.

Vancouver Canucks vs. Calgary Flames

Winner:

in 7

Last week I named the idiots who cheer for Canadian Teams in the playoffs just because they're Canadian as the Squid of the Week, so at least with the Canucks playing the Flames one of the teams will be gone.  That being said I have no problem with the Flames, two of my really good friends are Calgarians and die-hard Flames fans so I will be happy to see the Flames win for that.  I hate the Canucks too, the creepy Sedin Twins, that fucking opera dork that sings the anthem they're just a shitty team with shitty fans.

New York Rangers vs. Pittsburgh Penguins

 Winner:

 in 5

What happened to the Penguins?  Sid the Squid is still one of the best players in the world, and so is Malkin but beyond that they're garbage, they barely made the playoffs and haven't really done much in the playoffs in years.  The Rangers made the Cup Final last year and have been strong all year so I expect them to make short work of Shittsburgh.

Washington Capitals vs. New York Islanders

Winner:

in 7

This is going to be one of the better series of the first round, I was very close to picking the Islanders and I would actually prefer the Islanders advance but I think it'll be the Capitals that advance in a very tight series, mainly because Ovi is the man.

Tampa Bay Lightning vs. Detroit Red Wings

Winner:

in 4

Fuck the Red Wings, they are a bunch of ankle burners.  Stamkos and the Lightning are going to skate circles around Tommy Ta-Tar and the rest of those assholes.  Mike Babcock just wants to get the fuck out of Detroit and come coach the Leafs and lead them to Stanley Cup glory.

Montreal Canadiens vs. Ottawa Senators

 Winner:

The only good thing about this series is one of these miserable franchises will be eliminated.  I hate both teams equally, and I hope they end up destroying each other.  I can't even bring myself to make a pick, it's a real Sophie's Choice of dreadful teams with asshole fan bases.  Fuck them both.

Blue Jays season is in full swing and so far so good.  Yeah there was a little hiccup last night, but honestly I prefer those losses over the loss they had on Wednesday where it was a lot of shitty luck and the team pretty much beat themselves.  The offense has been pretty good so far, but what has really impressed me is the bottom third of the line up, Devon Travis in particular has been great.  The only blip so far with the starting pitching was Aaron Sanchez last night who got rocked, I am still confident that he will turn it around, but there really should be a contingency plan in place if he doesn't.  Hutch didn't have his best stuff this afternoon, but it just wasn't his day, I am not worried about him at all.  Jose Bautista's jack off that dork Darren O'Day was a thing of beauty and holy fuck he was fired up and went full Lawrie on the bench, I bet some of the boys' hands are sore after those high fives.

The Week Ahead: vs. Tampa Bay (4/13-4/16) vs. Atlanta (4/17-4/19)  The Home Opener is tomorrow, my Dad and I saw every single home opener from 1991-1999, but now that would be the last place I want to be.  It sells out every year but it's all fair weather fans and bros looking to get drunk (not that looking to get drunk is a bad thing, but have some fucking decorum). There is always fights in the crowd and people pouring beer from the Upper Deck and throwing shit on the field, it's a gong show.  I am going to the game on Wednesday when the real fans will be there, got some beauty seats too behind home plate for $50! Papa Buerhle is on the bump and it's against the shitty Rays so I am hoping for a win!

I think it's safe to say that James Johnson is red-y for the playoffs.  Nice doo bud! Channel that inner Dennis Rodman, I just hope he doesn't show up in a fucking dress next.  The Raptors crushed Charlotte on Wednesday exorcising the demons that have followed them to North Carolina the last few seasons, then they swept the Florida teams, by doing that they have tied their franchise record in wins, and have ensured home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs.  Looks like the Raptors will play either the Wizards or the Bucks in the first round, and they could easily advance against either team.  The last couple of weeks of the regular season has been a bit of a drag, the playoffs need to start like yesterday, enough of these other-ran teams.

The Week Ahead: @ Boston (4/14) vs. Charlotte (4/15) That's it, just two games left in the regular season against two teams below them in the standings.  If they win out they will win 50 games for the first time in franchise history, hopefully they do that so they can go into the playoff strong! Game 1 of the Playoffs will be on Saturday, I am sure it'll be sometime in the afternoon, I can't wait!

The Squid of the Week is that insufferable cretin Gregg Zaun's for his terrible Sunday Roast.  The Sunday Roast thing is the stupidest, STUPIDEST thing in the entire world.  Sometimes I do agree with what he says but then he'll go off on a tangent, the ridiculous segment is about 3 minutes longer than what it should be.  He did it all last year, basically shitting out your typical neanderthal old school baseball crap, but I think the worst part of it all is that catch phrase he says at the end.. "It's Sunday {dramatic pause} do you smell that morning roast"  THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.  First of all, unless you're watching in B.C. it is always the afternoon when he says that, even when they are on the west coast and the game is at 4 pm he still calls it the fucking morning roast.  Why does he call it a roast anyways?  Is it supposed to be like the Comedy Central Roasts, which in that case he needs to be making crude, yet hilarious jokes.  But the only crude thing about that is Zaun's suits.  What is this fucking morning roast he's smelling, is it a coffee roast? Roast Beef?  Jaime Campbell is a giant dork about the whole procedure too.  I have a feeling ol' Zaun Cherry will be the recipient of many Squid of the Week awards of the course of this season.

Jays on pace to go 162-0!! Raptors stuff too

Is there anything better than getting day drunk on a Monday afternoon watching the Jays kick the ever loving piss out of the dreadful New York Yankees on Opening Day?  I don't know about you but that was a little slice of heaven... employment is for suckers.

Everything went off with out a "hutch" yesterday.  Drew Hutchison pitched a hell of a ball game giving up only a shitty Yankee Stadium-only solo shot to the short porch in right.  While Jose Bautista had a quiet first day at the plate the rest of his team picked up the slack with Edwin taking the parrot for a walk around the bases for the first time this season, putting an exclamation point on the 5 run third inning.  

That cretin Gregg Zaun and that disheveled old fart Bob Elliott were all worried about the amount of rookies on the team, but as The Who taught us years ago The Kids are Alright.  Miguel Castro is a beast... fuck that guy is going to be good.  Yeah Zaun Cherry is getting all poopy pants because he "didn't pay his dues" but as Alex Rios would say "Who gives a fuck?!?" He could be 20, 30 or 60 for fucks sakes if he pitches as well has he did yesterday and throughout the spring put him out there, don't send him to AAA just because of some bullshit code.

image courtesy AndrewStoeten.com

Devon "White" Travis looked particularly good, drawing two walks and hitting a home run for his first major league hit, he definitely earned that second base job.  I loved the silent treatment he got on the bench when he came in after his dinger, that stuff always makes me laugh.  Jose Reyes getting hurt scared the bejesus out of me, the guy's ligaments are made out of discarded McDonald's wrappers, it's almost feels inevitable that he is going to spend some time on the DL this season.  They need him healthy if that means playing him at DH or giving him extra days off, so be it.

All in all it was a successful day of baseball which left me wanting more!! Which brings us to this weeks.....

I wait all fucking winter and sit through an seemingly endless Spring Training yearning for Opening Day, it comes, and then bang off day.  What the fuck?  Since when is there a off day in the middle of a bloody series?  C'Mon bud I want to watch the Jays tonight and every night until they win the World Series.  The Raptors don't play tonight, even the shitty Leafs aren't on TV, what do they expect me to do read a book?? Communicate with the outside world? Not fuckin happening bud.

The Week Ahead: @ New York Yankees (4/8-4/9) @ Baltimore (4/10-4/12).  The Jays continue their series in the Bronx on Wednesday with old man Dickey taking the bump, but I am really interested in seeing Daniel Norris' start on Thursday.  The Jays are really going to rely on Sanchez and Norris this year, I'm not shook about it like the old guard is, but that being said I don't think the rope is very long for them.  They play at 3 pm in Baltimore on Friday, FINE I'll get day drunk and watch that game if you insist! Fuck the Orioles anyways, I hope they crash down to earth as they've been lucky as fuck the last couple of seasons.

It was once again a tale of two teams with the Raptors last week.  They were impressive last Monday beating the Rockets at home, the D was great, and they hit clutch shots, then it was nice of them to being on the winning end of a blow out against Minnesota.  But then they lost to the Nets and Celtics, ugh. Unlike the great Jon Taffer I embrace excuses, the Raptors have a playoff spot wrapped up and have for months, the Nets and Celtics are fighting for their playoff lives and are playing balls out.  Both those games could've gone either way, yeah it is a little distressing to see them lose those games, but I take that game against the Rockets as a better sign of where the team is as opposed to the two losses.

On the brightside with Amir Johnson out, my boy Tyler "The White Mamba" Hansbrough started on Saturday and played one of his best games in a Raptors uniform, earning himself a standing ovation from the Air Canada Centre faithful.

Kyle Lowry's back has continued to keep him sidelined, and Masai Ujiri went on the radio today and said while his back is improving there is still no time table for his return... which makes me a little bit nervous. There is only 5 games left in the season, and they're all against sub-.500 teams, so I don't think he should be rushed back unless he is 100% but time is running out quickly.

The Week Ahead: @ Charlotte (4/8), @ Orlando (4/10), @ Miami (4/11).  Like I just said a pretty light schedule, but both Charlotte and Miami are battling for a playoff spot, so they are going to be playing with a little bit extra just like Brooklyn and Boston did.  The Raptors also can't ever beat Charlotte in Charlotte for some unknown reason.  The Raptors need to be spoilers here, fuck these guys, eliminate them from playoff contention and have fun doing it.  

Is it even worth mentioning that there is only 2 games left in this miserable Leafs season?  I haven't watched in weeks and as a result my over all "give a shit-o-meter" in hockey is at it's lowest level it's been at in years, maybe ever.  Playoff hockey is awesome, and I might start watching again and start cheering for whoever plays the Habs.  Which brings us too....

This time of year the Maple Dicks stiffen and say "you gotta cheer for the Canadian teams in the playoffs"  No I fucking don't! I would never ever ever cheer for the Montreal Canadiens, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing ISIS.  I hope the fucking Sens miss the playoffs by a single point earning them a shitty draft pick.  The Sedin Twins are creepy as fuck and they make me uncomfortable.  I really don't have anything against Winnipeg or Calgary, because they have long suffering fans, but I am not going to cheer for them simply because they are a Canadian team.  Honestly who gives a shit that no Canadian team has won the cup since 1993, I will be horrified if the Habs won the Cup this season.  Anyone who is a Leafs fan but would be happy to see the Habs win the cup "because they're Canadian" is not only a squid of the week, they are a permanent squid who will never, ever have that label revoked.

Sprots Ramblings are Back on Mondays!!

Remember when I said I was going to post my sports ramblings on Sunday because Monday I was too busy being gainfully employed... yeah well nevermind about that.  Back to sweet unemployment bliss for your boy.  You want Squids?? Take a look at the store manager and customers of SMART Choice Rent to Own, charging low income East End Squids $3000 for a shitty used couch and $1400 for a god damned PS4 after the ridiculous fees.  Part of my job was putting shit on KIJIJI would you pay $300 for this piece of shit chair?? (Keep in mind the arms and legs are all scuffed to shit) It's going to take me weeks to clean off the ink from their be-mulleted tentacles.  Ugh.

The big sports story of the week was your boy HDH and his buds invading Auburn Hills Michigan to watch the Raptors lose a heartbreaker to the Shitstons.

The Curse of HDH continues.

I've seen the Blue Jays play in New York City and Pittsburgh and they've lost, I saw the Ti-Cats at SkyDome last year and they lost, and now I've witnessed the Raptors lose in Detroit.  I am going to Cleveland to see the Jays for 2 games this May, I hope to fuck my curse does not continue.

Anyways, the Palace of Auburn Hills, despite being one of the older arenas in the NBA is still a decent spot to watch a game.  It's one main concourse like Copps Coliseum, and the bathrooms are a little on the little small side, but other than that they've obviously put some work in to make it up to modern snuff, including a massive Dallas Stadium like scoreboard.

The main shitty thing is that it followed the White Flight out of Detroit and is pretty much in the middle of fucking nowhere.  I am a big fan of downtown arenas, I know people bitch about the SkyDome, but it's in a perfect location.  The Palace is a good 40-45 minutes away from the border crossing, it's like if the Raptors played in Hamilton for christs sakes... but not just Hamilton, fucking shitty assed Flamborough surrounded by nothing.  Luckily we had a chauffeur who hung out at a friends place while we all drank massive amounts of beer.

Speaking of concessions, I thought the selection at the Palace was very good, I got a delicious spicy chicken sandwich, and my friends got some very good looking burgers.  There was a great selection of decently priced food beyond the typical hot dogs and popcorn.  Unlike the SkyDome the beer selection was great, you could get all kind of craft beers and they don't charge you out the ass.  $9.75 US for a massive can of Miller Lite was my go-to however.

Our seats were pretty awesome and Raptors fans easily outnumbered Pistons fans (both were outnumbered by vast swathes of empty seats).  There's my boy the White Mamba, I got mad props from strangers for my Tyler Hansbrough shirsey.  The game itself was alright, the Raptors started with their disturbing trend of playing down to shitty competition at the start as the Pistons led for most of the first half.  DeMar DeRozan put the team on his back and they came roaring back in the second half.  Kyle Lowry left with a back injury in the first quarter and he is STILL out, and may not be back until Game 1 of the playoffs *single tear*.  As for the ending that brings us to this weeks....

Lou Williams.

C'Mon Bud.

Yeah you're likely to be the 6th Man of the Year, and truth be told you've been pretty fucking good  this season.  But c'mon bud some of the brain cramps, especially the one you had on Tuesday was down right terrible and cost us the game.  Basically the Raptors got the ball back down by 2 with 20 or so seconds left, and Lou ran his stupid fucking is-Lou-ation play, then chucked up a 3 ball with his fucking foot still on the Pistons logo at half court with 5 seconds left, of course he missed.  Yeah if he managed to hit that home run ball we would've been the hero, but fuck bud that was a low percentage shot and he didn't even try to run a play! Dwane Casey said in hindsight he should've called a time out and drawn up a play... ya think?!?!?

Well the Raptors won their division for the second year in the row after being in first for the entire season, they are in the playoffs and are poised to have their best season on paper in team history.  If you knew all that going into the season you'd be thrilled right?

Not the fucking garbage clowns to pollute the Toronto sports landscape.

Jesus Christ is nothing good enough for these squids?  Yeah the Raps haven't been exactly world beaters since the calendar flipped to 2015 but look at the big fucking picture for Christs Sake. Remember the state of this team even at the start of last season pre-Rudy Gay trade?  The Bargnani years?  Pretty much the whole 20 years of this fucking franchise.

Look on the bright side of life for once in your miserable existence.

Yeah the Raptors won't win the title this year, I maintain best case Ontario is if they get hot and make the East Finals.  It's a god damned work in process still, and that's why "In Masai I trust" he's an exceptional GM and this team is only going to get better and better and within a couple of seasons they will be perennial title contenders, we just got to deal with some growing pains until then.

The Week Ahead:  vs. Houston (3/30), @ Minnesota (4/1), @ Brooklyn (4/3), vs. Boston (4/4).  The Rockets destroyed us in Houston already once this year and it will take a huge effort by the Raptors not to let it happen again.  Then the schedule looks pretty light, in fact it's pretty light for the rest of the season, yeah the are still NBA teams and anything can happen, but hopefully this schedule will give them some much needed momentum heading into the playoffs.

There really isn't much to say right now about the Blue Jays except that I am sick of Spring Training, sick of cold weather and want my beloved Blue Jays back on my TV every night.  I've caught a few Spring Training games on TV, and it's great to hear Buck and Tabby again, but Spring Training is so fucking ghetto, the stadiums are shit, they all have to wear these whacky uniforms and caps, and it's a bunch of AA and AAA plugs we'll never see again.

Luckily it's only 1 week until the Jays kick off their season at Yankee Stadium against the god forsaken Yankees.  Now that I have a lot of free time on my hands again look for a complete season preview in the coming days!

There is multiple Squids of the Week again this week.  These have to go to the keyboard warrior trolling scum bags who used a dying kids last wish to make fun of the Leafs.  This poor little kid Garrett Gamble has a rare disease and doesn't have much time left and through the Make a Wish foundation the Maple Leafs signed him to a one day contract, gave him his own bio page on their website, he got to meet the team and hang out in the locker room, and drop the puck at centre ice on Saturday night.  Obviously it was the best day of his life.  Of course the Leafs posted this on their Facebook page.

Don't ever read the comments on Facebook, YouTube or anything... comment sections should be deleted from everything.

I clicked on the comments, and what should I see but fucking idiots going "duhhhh he's already better than Phaneuf" and saying he'll be long gone before they make the playoffs again.  Go fuck yourselves, your souls are dog shit.  Same thing happened with the Leafs had a contest to marry a couple of diehard fans at centre ice, same assholesmaking shitty comments trolling the Leafs and their fans when they are trying to do something nice.

Now I have been guilty of telling some pretty dark jokes in my day, but making fun of a dying kids love for the Leafs is going way too far.  Good thing for Garrett is the Leafs beat the fucking Senators that night and his favourite player Tyler Bozak got a hatty.  Yeah the Leafs have been nothing short a flaming heap of garbage this year, but at least they are finally reaching out and doing nice things for their long-suffering fans.