Phil Kessel We Hardly Knew Ye

It's been a few days, and the Phil Kessel trade news has still yet to sink in, I knew it was coming but it doesn't make it any easier.  The writing was unfortunately on the wall, one of the most talented players to ever grace the blue and white was run out of town and that is fucking contemptible

It's no secret that the 2014-15 Leafs season was amongst the worst in franchise history, and yes Phil Kessel did not play very well down the stretch, but all that being said he is still the 5th best scorer in the NHL since he has joined the Leafs.  This fact is lost amongst the squids in the media and the garbage clowns that call in sports talk radio with their asshole opinions...mainly just regurgitated the diarrhea that comes out of the mouth of Cathal Kelly, Squid Seixero, Dave Fuckface Feschuk and Steve Simmons.

Some weeks I have a difficult time coming up with a Squid of The Week, this week not only is Steve Simmons a slam dunk Squid of the Week, he could very well be the Squid of the Year.

Look at this smug, smarmy piece of shit.  Don't you just want to give him the Stone Cold Stunner right about meow?  Simmons is known for shitting out terrible articles for the tabloid rag known as the Toronto Sun and he could well be the most reviled amongst the truly horrific squid landscape that makes up the Toronto sports media.  But the article he shat out when Kessel got traded has to be the worst one he has ever written.  He led off his story with this bullshit:

The hot dog vendor who parks daily at Front and John Sts. just lost his most reliable customer.

Almost every afternoon at 2:30 p.m., often wearing a toque, Phil Kessel would wander from his neighbourhood condominium to consume his daily snack.
And now he’s gone. Just like that. The Maple Leafs could no longer stomach having Kessel around.

Oh lovely a fat joke.  First of all Phil Kessel is not fat.  I'm fat, Santa Claus is fat, Phil Kessel is not fucking fat.  Even if he ate street meat everyday what's the big fucking deal?  Toronto street meat is incredible, I would crush it on the regular if I lived in Toronto.  Second of all why would you need to add that he was wearing a toque?  It's winter for fucks sakes, why would he want to catch a cold??  Third of all it's not fucking possible that he was there every afternoon because the last time I checked they play 41 road games a year, so he can't be there every afternoon you fucking clown.

Not only all this, but my pals over at Pension Plan Puppets proved that it would have been impossible for Kessel to eat at the street meat vendor at Front and John because he lived nowhere near Front and John he would've had to walk 3 km there and back to eat it.  Could he have jogged to get his "Daily snack" yes he could but that would've defeated Simmons' tired narrative that Kessel is an lazy, overweight slob.  The best part of that PPP article is the revelation that Phik Kessel's number was listed in the phone book.  I didn't even know phone books still existed?

Simmons went on to say that Kessel was an "illness" you can tell he wanted to call him a cancer but given Kessel's medical history, that smug, insipid, loathsome asshole managed to hold himself back slightly by downgrading him to an illness.  PS can we end calling anything a cancer?  Cancer is pretty fucking awful, to compare something as inconsequential locker room cohesion to the deadliest disease in the world is really terrible when you think about it.

Simmons has been universally condemned for his horrific article, it even got attention stateside when ESPN's Keith Olbermann named him the worst person in the sports world.  Not only is he the worst in the sports world, he is the Squid of the Week.

I'll miss Phil Kessel, he is the best Leaf since Mats Sundin (another player who never got any respect from the squid media and garbage clown fans).  He is going to light it up in Pittsburgh playing alongside either Crosby or Malkin, they are going to feed him goals, and I predict he is going to score between 40 and 50 goals next year.  I knew this trade was going to come, but that doesn't change the fact that a generational talent in Phil Kessel had his prime wasted in Toronto playing alongside terrible teammates with even worse management running the team in the ground.  The fact that Phil Kessel is the scapegoat to the mess created by the likes of Dave Nonis and Randy Carlyle makes me sick to my stomach.

Welp, last week I said the Jays could well go 7-0... that... that didn't quite go as planned.  Actually between the Canada Day matinee and a weekend away at a cottage I only saw 2 of the games in their entirety, and maybe that it is a good thing.  The bats fell asleep, only showing signs of life on Canada Day and again yesterday afternoon, and they have to play Chris Sale tonight?? Yikes.

Anyways I am still confident in this team, there is still a ton of time left in this season, there is going to be weeks they go 2-5 and weeks they got 5-2, they just have to have more good weeks.  For the love of fuck though AA GET US SOME PITCHING.  I know that is easier said than done, and I know AA is working the phones non-stop, but still an arm will help sooner rather than later.

I really don't give a flying fuck about the All-Star game, but Josh Donaldson being voted in as a starter over that asshole on the Royals prevented a major injustice.  Jose Bautista and Russell Martin join Donaldson on the team as reserves.  The weird thing is Bautista is on the same All-Star team as Adam Jones and Darren O'Day, his arch-rivals from the Trash Bird Orioles... so if Bautista is in the Home Run Derby wouldn't it be apt if it's O'Day pitching to him?

The Week Ahead: @ Chicago White Sox (7/6 - 7/9) @ Kansas City (7/10 - 7/12) As I mentioned earlier the Jays are facing Chris Sale and the White Sox as we speak, with Papa Buehrle on the mound it could well be a 1-0 game.  The White Sox are trash though, the Jays need to beat these bottom dwelling teams, especially on the road.  Kansas City will be a bit more of a test, KC are the defending AL Champions, and they currently sit atop the AL Central.  Here's hoping the Jays have a good week and go into the All-Star Break on a high note.

While we're on the topic of the Blue Jays, this weeks C'Mon Bud goes to Sportsnet for inexplicably bumping Blue Jays Central to either SN360 or SN1 in favour of the repugnant Tim & Sid.  Tim isn't so bad but Sid is big a squid as they come, hence the name Squid Seixero.  C'Mon Bud, it's bad enough I have to sit through 45 of those horrible commercials during each Blue Jays broadcast, and having to hear Barry Davis awkwardly shill for them, but they are bumping Blue Jays Central???

How is Gregg Zaun supposed to give me Squid of the Week material?  Zaun aside Blue Jays Central is always a good watch before the game, solid analysis by Shi Davidi, pre-game interviews and insight from the players and coaches.  Every team has a pre-game show and it's now getting bumped for what?  Sid screaming at the camera with feigned outrage?  20 minute segments on 80's Pro-Wrestlers?  Sid dancing like Phillip the Hypo-Hyper Kid??  Fuck off, I can't wait for these assholes to get cancelled and be off my TV forever.

I guess I should say something about the Ti-Cats absolutely demolishing the woeful Winnipeg Blue Bombers, but truth be told I didn't see that much of the game.  I was heading up to my friends cottage, where that majestic Ti-Cats flag above flaps in the breeze.  By the time I got up there it was halftime and the game was out of hands with the Ti-Cats putting up an incredible 38 points.  Zach Collaros is unreal, with QB's dropping like flies in the CFL I'm happy knowing the he is one of the best and that he has an experienced line in front of him protecting him.

The Week Ahead:  A bye week!?!?! Already?? What the fuck?  I guess that's one of the quirks of having a 9 team league where each team gets 2 bye weeks.