Kessel the Best, Raps Back on Track, Deflate-Gate

Due to the god-forsaken All-Star Game the Leafs only played two games last week, and they lost both thus continuing Death Spiral v. 4.0  The All-Star Break couldn't have come at a better time for the boys, hopefully they got some rest and got their heads screwed on straight being away from Toronto and the vultures in the media for a few days.  I barely watched any of the All-Star coverage... I rarely do in any of the sports because it's garbage, the players don't want to be there, the game itself is horse shit, plus all the leagues have taken to creating atrocious uniforms for the occasion.  This years NHL All-Star jerseys looked like some bootleg moto-cross bullshit you'd find on the shelves of your local Bi-Way.  All that being said, a great thing happened at the Fantasy Draft last Friday.  "Team Foligno" picked first (on an aside, I know he plays for Columbus and that's where the game is but I guarantee 95% of sports fans said what the fuck is a Team Foligno, way to go NHL) and he picked Blue Jacket teammate Ryan Johansen... fair enough I guess, get a cheap pop from the home crowd.  Then Team Toews picked next, and he went and picked the one and only Phil Kessel, and then proclaimed that he picked him because he is "very coachable".  I stood up and applauded when I heard that... It got a chuckle out of ol' Philly Blunt, plus he didn't have to endure the humiliation of getting picked last.  Also in my opinion Toews did that as a big 'Fuck You!' to Wrong Wilson, Dave Feschuk and the rest of the fucking squids in the Toronto media.  These guys are all tight and they probably see the shit that Kessel is getting put through in Toronto and feel bad for him.  Speaking of Feschuk, being called an idiot by Kessel is probably the best thing to happen in his shitty little career.  I'm not sure if he has been on TSN SportsCentre for a while, because I boycotted TSN SportsCentre for a couple of years, and I only started watching it again because I loathe the Sportsnet Hockey Panel (except Elliote Friedman) but this squid has popped up on SportsCentre shitting out his horrible opinions, on you guessed it Phil Kessel.  It's the usual bullshit he's been spewing since Kessel has showed up in Toronto... "They need to trade Kessel, he is fat, he can't play defense, who cares if he scores goals I want to be a contrarian arsehole in order to get more exposure and line my own wallet bloo bloo bloo let me call James Reimers sweet old mother at home and harass her derp derp derp."  Remember that piece of shit Feschuk wrote this book:

Only $19.67, how fucking cute.  So he hates the Leafs, he hates Kessel, I am not saying that everyone in the media should be Leafs Homers.  James Mirtle of the Globe and Mail is hard on the Leafs but his arguments make actual sense and he didn't go to the Damien Cox school of Trolling.  The Leafs have missed the playoffs in 9 of the last 10 seasons and the way things are going it looks like they won't make it again, but Phil Kessel is not the fucking problem, it's the players that have been brought in to surround Kessel.  They bring in players not based on their talent but supposed "character" and that they're "winners."  You can't fucking buy character, you can't buy winners but you can buy talent.  The Leafs have fucked up monumentally in that regard, and getting rid of an elite talent like Phil Kessel will only set them back even further.

The Week Ahead: @ New Jersey (1/28), vs. Arizona (1/29), @ Philadelphia (1/31).  On paper this could be an easy week for the Leafs, but as we all know nothing comes easy for the Leafs these days. All three of these teams are below the Leafs in the standings, so hopefully some R&R over the All-Star break did them some good and they can get back to winning, and maybe actually scoring some goals.  Let's face it the Leafs have been pretty downright unwatchable these days, defensive hockey is boring as shit, and that's what Horachek is trying to instill in these boys... just score some fucking goals already.

The Raptors went 3-1 last week and appear to be slowly but surely emerging from their mid-season funk that has dated back to New Years.  Granted they didn't look like world-beaters in beating the Bucks, 76ers and Pistons (all missing good players, or in the 76ers case are a glorified D-League team), they looked a lot better on the defensive end against the Grizzlies, but fuck they shot blanks.  They looked a lot better last night against the Pistons, DeMar is starting to shake off the rust from his injury.  I think all the hoopla surrounding getting Kyle Lowry starting on the All-Star team was a bit of a distraction... in other news thank fuck I never have to hear Matty D say "HASH TAG NBA BALLOT" ever again.  PS Congrats to Kyle on getting the start, but as we all know All-Star Games are bullshit, and I would rather him get the rest.  One thing is curious though, in the last week James Johnson has seen his playtime decrease to Bruno and Bebe levels, and I really don't understand this at all.  James Johnson was with the Raptors once before, and Dwane Casey nailed him to the bench then, citing some attitude problem, and he left the team on poor terms.  He returned to the team this year, and I thought played very well for them in the first part of the season, and his attitude has never come into question, in fact there were plenty of reports on how much it has improved.  Coach Casey insists that he's not getting benched for any disciplinary reason, or based on his play just that they are "trying new things".  Still I don't like it, James Johnson is the poor man's Lebron and I think he should be starting instead of Greivis Vasquez.  Perhaps this is just a temporary thing, Johnson is great on the boards, gets big blocks and unlike a lot of the boys recently isn't afraid to drive the lane for thunderous dunks.  Plus his nickname is Bloodsport... how cool is that?

The Week Ahead: @ Indiana (1/27), vs. Sacramento (1/28), @ Brooklyn (1/30), @ Washington (1/31).  4 game in 5 nights, with 3 on the road... Yikes.  Perhaps it is good after all that James Johnson has been resting up?  The good news is 3 of the 4 teams are sub-500 and are on the outside looking in of the playoffs.  The game of the week will be the Wizards game Saturday night, but the Brooklyn game on Friday should be good too, because I guess they are the Raptors biggest rival these days.  Fuck Brooklyn! 

I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up one of the biggest stories in the sports world, that of the New England Patriots being caught red-handed AGAIN being no good rotten cheaters.  While at the end of the day I must admit that the Patriots could've used under-inflated beach balls and still would've beaten the Colts in the AFC Title game just the optics of the whole thing stinks.  The dual press conferences held by Bill Belicheat and Tom "Uggs" Brady were dreadful.  They were both clearly lying, flames around them should've been digitally added by Channel Six.  I think they'd be better off just coming out and admitting that they purposely deflated the ball.  Belisuck had another press conference the other day where he went all physicist and he was more emphatic that they didn't do anything untoward... all of which was shot down by the smartest man on Earth Bill Nye The Science Guy.  The Patriots have a culture of cheating, there was the tuck rule, Spy-Gate, tricky plays against the Ravens and now this.  Don't tell me that this was the first week they used deflated balls, I guarantee they've done this all season, perhaps longer.  Also Patriots owner Robert Kraft (who wears the same damned suit everyday) is good friends with Roger Goodell, many have gone as far to say that Kraft is the defacto assistant commissioner, so I smell a major conflict of interest there.  Goodell is a fucking joke, he can go and bully Marshawn Lynch and not let him wear gold cleats, but he'll let the Patriots cheat under his watch.  Go ahead and deny it Brady, we have seen all the denials before - Ryan Braun, Lance Armstrong, Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon etc. and how did those turn out?  Honesty is the best policy! Tom Brady went on the radio and said his "feelings were hurt" what a fucking baby, no wonder he is afraid of waterslides.  I still maintain the Seahawks are going to win the Super Bowl, this whole thing must be a distraction for the Patriots, and now they'll be watched closely and all their cheating ways will be exposed.

That's all for this week... I thought about writing something about the whole Paul Beeston situation for the Jays but it's so fucking stupid.  "Lil'" Eddie Rogers aka Bumblefuck Eddie has made a mess of this, and has looked terrible in MLB's old boys network.  What a fucking did-saster.  Follow my man Andrew Stoeten for all the news about that.  Until next week give me a follow on twitter @HDH2112.

Welp, That Sucked.

Last week was a truly awful week in the world of sports for yours truly.  Jesus H. Christ someone wave a skunk in front of these boys because they stunk.  The Leafs and the Raptors went a combined 1-7 last week and in some cases lost in spectacular fashion.  With the history of the teams I cheer for I am plenty used to losing, but that doesn't make it feel any better when it happens.  The Leafs I have come to expect this from, but the Raptors? You were the great hope (and still are) but that 2-6 homestand really exposed some warts on the team.

Let's face it the Raptors have been pretty awful since the calendar flipped to 2015, and their losing ways continued last week when they went 1-3, only beating the woeful 76ers.  The Ryerson Royals from my HBA days when I was 11 could beat the 76ers for christs sake.  The Raptors have gone ice-cold offensively, and have seen some terrible defensive breakdowns.  The Pistons game last Tuesday was a great game to watch but a third quarter collapse allowed the Pistons to pull ahead, and a fourth quarter comeback by the Raps came up just short.   What I don't understand is why DeRozan was held out of that game, they really needed him.  They shit the bed against the Hawks and the final score against the Pelicans covered up how awful they were for most of that game.  The confidence has all but deflated with this group, T. Ross especially has been terrible, and he was stapled to the bench in the second half of the game against the Pelicans.  Do I have a solution? No not really, the Raptors are in an awful slump now, and that's to be expected, they've been a fucking great team since the Rudy Gay trade in December 2013.  They're not the 95-96 Bulls or the Show Time Lakers, they're going to lose a game or 10 along the way.  The great difference between the Leafs and the Raptors is there isn't a legion of retards ready to smash the panic button.  Where is fucking Damien Cox shitting out an click-bait ego-fluffing article saying they should trade Kyle Lowry for spare parts, is Dave Feschuk going to call up Amir Johnson's Mom for a quote? Is some squid going to throw his jersey on the court?  Yeah there was a smattering of boos at half time of the game yesterday, they scored 36 points in the half for christs sakes, what did they want? I have no problem whatsoever with booing when it's warranted.  Do they need some tinkering? Yes. I'd keep T. Ross on the bench and start James Johnson... perhaps a trade would do? Nothing major, I am not saying I know enough about the NBA landscape to know what is out there or what we can get in return, but "In Masai I Trust".  Bottom line is the Raptors play in the worst division in all of professional sports it will require a collapse of Maple Leaf proportions to cause them to miss the playoffs, would some more winning be nice? Of course, but it's a fucking slump and we're going to have to live with it, I have every confidence that they will rebound sooner rather than later.... literally. They need to get more rebounds.

The Week Ahead: @ Milwaukee (1/19), @ Memphis (1/17), @ Philadelphia (1/19), vs. Detroit (1/25).  Not exactly an easy week for the slumping Raptors, the Bucks are missing some players but they have been one of the more surprising stories of the season thus far, and could wind up being a first round playoff opponent for the Raptors.  The Grizzlies are one of the best teams in the league, and even though we beat them at home earlier this season, it will be a very tough game.  The 76ers are a joke, but the game I am looking forward to is the Pistons game next Sunday, this has quickly developed into a nice little rivalry, and a playoff series between these teams would be fun as hell to watch.  It's tough schedule but I have confidence the Raptors will get their shit together and put together a good run of games.  If they still shit the bed there is always the Jack Armstrong Drinking Game to get us through the tough times.

The Leafs... the god damned fucking Leafs.  I haven't seen such a pathetic lack of scoring since my high school days (and current days tbh).  The shitty thing is they have been playing better defensively, they could've easily won the Los Angeles and the San Jose games, a bounce here or there prevented that.  I missed the St. Louis game because I was at Monster Trucks, but from the sounds of it everything was equally bleak.  Not a single forward scored a goal last week, their only goal against the Sharks was from defenseman Roman Polak.  There is just such a terrible odor surrounding this team right now, mostly the one left over from Randy Carlyle, but still.  What can this team do right now?  Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and often times they stink.  In my asshole opinion I think they should just stay the course until the off season, yeah it sucks but what can you do.  Everyone is yelling Trade Kessel! Trade Phaneuf! Fire Everyone! Tank for McDavid! Well all that shit is easier said that done.  What I want to happen is for Clarkson to voluntarily give up the remaining 14 years of his deal or whatever that squid is signed for, and disappear forever but that ain't happening.  Trading in the NHL is way harder these days than it was pre-cap, and Kessel and Phaneuf are still very good players, and I don't want them to get the same return for them as they got with Grabovski, Kulemin and MacArthur (they got absolutely NOTHING for those players).  Save any big trades for the draft and the off-season. This is a lost season, it was a lost season the second they announced Randy Carlyle was coming back, I think Dave Nonis is going to be fired in the off season, so do I want him to make any trades that will affect the team for years to come? Fuck no. This isn't necessarily a bad team, they can still get hot and compete for a playoff spot... the goals will eventually come back, and the way they've been playing defense that will be a winning combination.

The Week Ahead: vs. Carolina (1/19), @ Ottawa (1/21).  Ugh, the All-Star game is this week? I fucking hate All-Star games, such a monumental waste of time.  The Leafs play 2 shitty teams before the break, and winning these two games will at the very least have them feel good about themselves, and I think a week off will help everyone.  I despise the Ottawa Senators, they are an abortion of a franchise who should be contracted for the good of the game.  So a solid 12-0 victory over those squids should be just what the doctor ordered for the Leafs.

I was flipping between the Raptors-Pelicans game and the NFC Championship game yesterday in a hung-over daze, and at first the NFC Championship game was pretty shitty and I was watching more of the basketball game, but that fourth quarter was easily the craziest finish to a game I have seen.  People keep saying it was the greatest comeback ever... how quickly people forget the Bills-Oilers game in 1993.  Yeah it was 22 years ago so I don't expect many to remember it, so here is a video to jog your memory.  But that ending was extremely fun to watch... unlike the Patriots-Colts game which was shit from the jump, did the Patriots really need to cheat again using deflated balls?? What a bunch of Sneaky Petes.  Anyways might as well make my Super Bowl Prediction....

A Seattle win and a Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction will make my night.  My hatred of the Patriots is no secret, but I think the Seahawks are a much better team.  Russell Wilson had the shittiest game of his career and they still managed to beat a very good Packers team.  I'm firmly on the Seahawks bandwagon for the next two weeks and I am fully expecting to see this scene again....

Followed by this...

Official Jack Armstrong Drinking Game!

Just in time for the playoffs!!! It's the official Jack Armstrong Drinking Game... instead of a whole new post I'll just edit this one.  Jack was really fired up about the officiating last year, I don't imagine it'll change this year.

LET'S GO RAPTORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAKE ONE DRINK IF:

Jack says:

"Hellloooooooooooooooooooo!" - Always said during the replay of a massive drunk... take an extra drink if he says "Hellloooooooooooooooo" while being aroused by the Raptors Dance Pak

"Matty D!" - He always refers to Matt Devlin as "Matty D!"

"MGD!!!!" or "BAH-CA-DI!!"- Gotta get those Sponsorship plugs in.

"GET THAT GAH-BAGE OUTTA HERE!!" Extra drink if he says "no, no, no, no, no, no" before GET THAT GAH-BAGE OUTTA HERE!

Describes the Ball as a "Rock"

Gets mad at a call - Jack is a Raptors homer and I have absolutely no problem with that, being an NBA referee is a very difficult job, but that doesn't mean they don't fuck up... A LOT.  Jack doesn't take refereeing bullshit laying down.

Concedes a good call - As much as Jack gets mad at the refs, he'll begrudgingly acknowledge a good call.

Goes off Topic/Non Basketball or Game related - This happens more often than not, he'll go on a tangent about Swiffer Sweepers, or a TV show.  You must drink 2 drinks if he goes off-topic about booze.

Refers to coaching at Niagara or Western New York in general -  Self Explanatory.

Matty D says a 3 pointer is from another city - Chuck Swirsky did this all the time, Matty D pulls it out on special occasions - you must FINISH your drink if he says the city that you are currently in.  (I've tweeted at him to say from Hamilton a bunch of times).

Overstimulated Jack - This is a judgement call for you and your friends.  He usually raises his voice a few octaves, generally leading into a commercial or after a time-out when the Raptors have gone on a run.  *NEW WRINKLE* Just like how there are flagrant 1 and flagrant 2 fouls, there is now overstimulated 1 and overstimulated 2, again it's a judgment call on what a 1 or a 2 would be... obviously a 2 requires 2 drinks.

When the Raptors are losing he says the are STUCK points

JACKSIMILIES - Jacksimilies are when he makes a random reference "sometimes you're the nail, sometimes you're the hammer" "sometimes you're the peacock, sometimes you're the duster" and so on and so forth

Camera cuts to Chuck Hayes on the bench with a pained expression.

TAKE TWO DRINKS IF:

Jack Sings - Now that the holiday season has come and gone, there is less Jack singing (he always sang "Happy Hooooolidaaaays" when Matty D was describing some Christmas ticket deal) but Jack has been known to break into song on other occasions.

Tom Sterner Intense Interview - When assistant coach Tom Sterner does an interview before the start of the second half it feels like he is staring right through the TV and into my soul.

FINISH YOUR DRINK IF:

Jack says "A little pepperoni! A little saus-seech!" - In years past the Raptors had a promotion where if they scored over 100 points and won everyone in the crowd would get a slice of pizza, the crowd started chanting "PI-ZZA!" instead of "DE-FENSE" when it was close.  When they broke 100 Jack ALWAYS said "A little pepperoni! A little saus-seech!".  Earlier in the season he did say that he went off topic (already a drink) talking about pizza, and yes he said "A little pepperoni! A little sau-seech!" I was thrilled.

One of Greg Stiemsma, Lucas "Bebe" Nogueira or Bruno Caboclo enter the game.

Tyler "The White Mamba" Hansbrough hits a 3 pointer - Last week he hit his first 3 in his 6 year career, it's a special occasion if that happens.

If they ever refer to Rod Black's mustache -  Ol' Rod hasn't had a duster in years but he rocked that look back in the day.

If Jack ever refers to the Big V pharmacy when talking about Jonas Valanciunas.  This will likely never happen so not only do you have to finish your drink but you have to open another drink and chug it.

I will add to this as the season goes, if you have any suggestions feel free to add your thought in the comments or tweet me at @HDH2112

Rex Ryan to Buffalo! The Horachek Era! More!

The Bills have had an absurd amount of head coaches come and go in the years since the great Marv Levy retired back in 1997.  The multiple combinations of head coaches and quarterbacks since Levy and Jim Kelly (who can forget the Mike Mularky/JP Losman era in '05??) is probably the main reason that the Bills haven't made the playoffs since paranoid whackos began emerging from their fall out shelters after the Y2K "scare".  I really like the hiring of noted foot fetishist Rex Ryan and I hope he sticks around for a while.  I hate the Jets, and yeah the Jets have been a joke the last couple of years, but that has more to do with the way the team was put together rather than his coaching... remember this was the guy who took the Jets to AFC Championship games with Mark fucking Sanchez at one point.  The Bills defense is already the amongst the best in the league and Rex will make it better, plus he got rid of awful Offensive Coordinator Nathanial "Can't" Hackett, so that's really an addition by subtraction.  Granted there is still question marks and quarterback and on the O-Line but the Bills defense will cover up a lot of those patches with their sheer awesomeness.  The thing I like the most about Rex Ryan isn't that he grew up in Toronto, is a Leafs fan and skipped school to see the first ever Blue Jays game at snowy Exhibition Stadium in 1977... it's that he is probably the one guy in the world who hates the New England Patriots just as much, if not more than I do.  I'm looking forward to the Rex Ryan era, at least he has a personality unlike these one and done squids they've churned out over the last 15 years.

While on the topic of football, I rebounded slightly with my picks and went a respectable 2-2 taking me to 3-5 on the post-season.  The Dallas Cowboys really got fucked over yesterday, I suppose that is a bit of karma for the Lions getting fucked over against Dallas during Wild Card Weekend.  The games were a lot better last weekend, well the Dallas/Green Bay and New England/Baltimore ones were, I was watching the Raptors during the Seattle/Carolina game and watching broken down old man Peyton Manning last night was just depressing.  Without further ado here are my picks for the Conference Final games:

GREEN BAY @ SEATTLE

WINNER:

Aaron Rodgers really impressed me yesterday, he is clearly not 100% maybe not even at 60% but 60% of Aaron Rodgers is a fuck of a lot better than most of quarterbacks in the league.  That being said, the Packers have had an awful road record this season (they lost in Buffalo for Christs sakes), and Seattle is easily one of the best home teams in the league... and they are also very, very good.  Sorry Cheeseheads, you had a good run, and a healthy Aaron Rodgers could lead you to a Super Bowl as soon as next year, but not this time.

INDIANAPOLIS @ NEW ENGLAND 

WINNER:

Fuck the Patriots.

It's only been two games but the stink of the Carlyle Era is already starting to come off of the Leafs.  Granted in the first game under Peter Horachek they lost to Washington 6-2 (one empty netter and Bernier let in some softies) but in that Washington game, and especially the Columbus game the Leafs looked a fuck of a lot better, they actually had positive puck possession, and they even out-shot their opponents! They held Columbus to 20 shots on Friday night for fucks sakes, there were plenty of games under Randy that they couldn't hold an opponent to 20 shots in a single period let alone an entire game.  The players are all obviously thrilled to have Randy out of their lives, in the picture above Horachek is wearing a Leafs Camo Hoodie which is typically given by the players to another player who had the best game after a win... so who do they give it too after Friday's domination of the Blue Jackets, none other than Horachek.  Horachek has met with all the players individually for their input, and is going to have weekly meetings with the leadership corps, he is big on having more open communication with his players which is something Randy Carlyle couldn't do because he was too busy trying to figure out how to use a toaster.  Plus Horachek is from Hamilton!! (well... Stoney Creek, but we won't hold that against him).  If Horachek works out for the rest of the year, I don't see why they can't remove the interim label, but it looks more and more like they are waiting for Mike Babcock.

I've calmed down slightly since the whole Kessel-Feschuk fiasco of last week, I still think Feschuk is a squid, anyone who aspires to be the next Damien Cox should be imprisoned.  Pension Plan Puppets had a great article on why Kessel called Feschuk an idiot and their history (for example after the Game 7 meltdown Feschuk said they should trade Kessel to free up room to sign Clarkson... thankfully they didn't trade Kessel and we've all seen how Clarkson has worked out).  Last week there was a massive fucking wank fest in the media, congratulating Feschuk for asking "the tough questions" Feschuk tooted his own horn on Off the Record and on Leafs Lunch on TSN1050... but where were these "tough questions" during Brendan Shanahan's press conference??  After pushing Dave Nonis in front of the vultures when Carlyle was first let go, Shanahan had a press conference a couple of days later, saying the same old bullshit and cliches that you would come to expect from any hockey executive not named Brian Burke.  But there wasn't any "tough questions" for Shanny... like why did you waste a half a season with a lame duck coach? Or what were you fucking thinking not firing Randy immediately following the end of last season. No it was all polite and cordial, it's great that these media vultures can pick on Phil Kessel, who clearly has some kind of social anxiety issues, but when it comes to Brendan Shanahan the questions were all soft balls.  Also why don't these media squids ever get in David Clarkson's face?  The guy is the second highest paid forward on the team and he is completely useless. I am not saying they should do that, but the media likes to pick on Kessel and as a result fans without a brain in their heads listen to these idiots and regurgitate their "hot takes" calling up the Fan 590 and in the comment sections on Facebook.  Only in Toronto where the people making big bucks and not producing get a pass while players like Kessel get shit on.

The Week Ahead: @ Los Angeles (1/12), @ Anaheim (1/14), @ San Jose (1/15), @ St. Louis (1/17).  It's the California Love road trip when I win the lottery I am definitely going to follow the team on this road trip, but since I am broke as a joke I'll have to settle for the amazing 10:30 pm start times... I fucking love West Coast games for that reason.  It'll be the first real test of the Horachek era, as all 4 teams they're facing are in the playoffs, and Anaheim has one of the top records in the league.  As long as they continue to get positive possession totals and keep the shot totals down for their opponents they will be fine.  I also think it's good for them to get out of the zoo in Toronto, sure they'll still have some of the media squids follow the team, but I imagine it'll be a breath of fresh air to get the fuck out of dodge.

The Raptors only played twice last week and we saw two starkly different versions of the team.  Let's face it the Raptors played like complete horse shit against the Hornets, the only highlight of that game was when Tyler "The White Mamba" Hansbrough hit the first 3 pointer of his career (he had been 0/15 from beyond the arc is his 6 year career thus far).  They played a fuck of a lot better against the weak Celtics to end their season long 4 game losing streak.  Last week I said DeMar DeRozan was going to return against Charlotte, but they pushed that back, and there is no word yet on when he will return... they certainly need him.  The best news for the Raptors this week is that games are finally going to be on TSN again! Which means for the first time in fucking weeks our beloved Jack Armstrong is back, so it's time to brush off the rules for the Jack Armstrong Drinking Game.  Jack has been waiting for weeks to let out a few "Helllooooooooooooooooos" and "BAH-CAH-DIS!" and "Get that Gah-Bage Outta Here!!" so if you're going to be playing along tonight make sure you have extra drinks.  I have no problem with Leo Rautins, he is a decent enough colour guy. but fuck bud you don't need to be so boring.  Plus him and Matty D get really pissy and passive aggressive with each other sometimes and it's just awkward.  Leo stick to the studio with Rod Black and let Jack take over from here.

The Week Ahead: vs. Detroit (1/12), vs. Philadelphia (1/14), vs. Atlanta (1/16), vs. New Orleans (1/18).  Should be an interesting week for the Raps, they got some decent opponents coming through the ACC.  The Pistons have pulled a '13-'14 Raptors in that they have gone red hot since trading one of their best players in Josh Smith, I read an article in a Detroit paper today on how they are looking for revenge after the Raptors beat them on their home court in front of more Raptors than Pistons fans, plus there was the whole James Johnson-Andre Drummond fiasco... let's watch that dunk again..

The 76ers are one of the worst teams in recent memory in the NBA so that should be a cake walk.  The game of the week will be the Hawks game on Friday night.  The Hawks are really good and have usurped the Raptors atop the Eastern Conference.  It should be a great game, with the Raptors hopefully showing them who's boss.  They play the Pelicans on Sunday afternoon which is right in the middle of the conference final football games... what genius decided that?  I guess that's why they invented remotes! Either way Anthony Davis, despite having the worst unibrow this side of Bert from Sesame Street is awesome and the Pelicans, despite having one of the stupidest team names in sports are a good young team on the rise in the way tougher Western Conference.  The Raps need to pick up their game defensively, and I think the return of DeMar will really help that.

You can now suscribe to this stupid blog! Just enter your e-mail to the right here and I guess you'll get a notification when a new one is published... a word of warning for those who read this for sports, I do food reviews and weekly Big Brother reviews too.  As usual give me a follow on twitter @HDH2112.

REVIEW: Popeyes Ghost Pepper Wings

I am not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but when my all time favourite restaurant Popeyes decided to make one of my all time favourite foods I thought the heavens opened up and the Gods started singing to me.  When Annie, the sweet yet sassy Popeyes Spokeswoman informed us all that she's cooked up some Ghost Peppers Wings I knew it was something I would have to try immediately.  I braved the -30 degree with the windchill weather to get the shame train up the mountain to give these wings a go.  No kind of weather can hold me back from Popeyes, it could have been a tropical earthquake for fucks sakes and I still would've gone.

I don't exercise or go to the gym, but since the Popeyes guy was named Jim that is pretty much the same thing.  Once again when it comes to anything Popeyes I was not disappointed.  Like with the Spice Box Chicken everything was made to order, unlike the regular chicken where they cook it batches at a time.  Jim informed me that it'd be 7 minutes for my wings, I didn't care... you can't rush perfection, plus at this point I could not feel my extremities due to the ridiculously cold weather, so a chance to warm up was welcome.  You got 6 wings to an order, I decided to upgrade to a combo so it came with some fries and a pop, unfortunately due to the 7 minute wait I crushed 90% of my Root Beer before my order came.  This was a mistake, I needed the Root Beer because as far as temperature hot goes, these fuckers were a solid 10/10 as they were straight out of the fryer.  As far as the spiciness goes, Annie you know I love you but the commercial was a little misleading when it comes to the spiciness.  Ghost Peppers are one of the hottest peppers in the world and the wings, while spicy for a fast food joint and slightly spicier than the regular Spicy chicken, these were not ghost pepper spicy where you start to hallucinate.  As far as spiciness in the fast food game goes, Pizza Hut Wing Street Hot are the hottest, followed by the Spicy Zinger Double Down from KFC.  Hey Popeyes, you should make something like the Double Down.... fuck I am salivating at the thought of that. My only complaint was the size of the Ranch dipping sauce, it was nearly impossible to stick the wing into them, so I just ending up dipping my biscuit into it.  I do regret getting the fries, while the fries are good I should've doubled up on the wings, as I could've crushed a dozen of those little fuckers no problem.  Will I order these again? Absolutely, and I would recommend them to anyone.

McDonald's you need to learn a thing or two from Annie and the gang at Popeyes, what the fuck have you clowns down for us recently?  As I have said a million times before quit trying to be something healthy with god forsaken salads and wraps and give us something delicious like Popeyes does, these guys want our business... do you assholes even care anymore??

SPECIAL EDITION: Randy Carlyle FIRED!!

Normally I write my sports posts on Mondays, but yesterdays news was too big to wait, and besides this is my shitty blog I can do what I want.  I would've wrote something yesterday but I was a little busy getting a fucking root canal, plus it's good to absorb it all for 24 hours... well as good as listening to the cesspool that is the Toronto media is for 24 hours.

It's no secret that I didn't like Randy Carlyle, I thought it was a terrible decision to hire him right from the jump.  Carlyle won a Cup everyone says, so fucking what, I could've won a Cup with that Anaheim team with first-ballot hall of famers on the blue line, plus they played the fucking Sens in the Cup Final too, what a gift that was.  His young, talented Anaheim team started to falter under him, and he was benching Corey Perry, wanting to trade Ryan Getzlaf, and as soon as Carlyle left Anaheim became a better team.  I am not going to sit here and say the Leafs are going to magically become a better team overnight because Randy is gone, but the organization is in a dramatically better place without him around.

Randy should've been fired last off season, any fucking monkey could've told you that, but for some inexplicable reason Brendan Shanahan did not feel the need to come in and rock the boat right away, so instead of firing Randy after the 2-12-0 collapse to end their season, Randy got his trusted assistants fired, and he got a fucking contract extension!! Randy is going to be paid by the Leafs until the end of next season I know coaches don't count under the cap, and the Leafs have money to burn but this is beyond fucking stupid and is a massive misstep of Shanahan's leadership thus far.  Essentially the Leafs have wasted a half a season "evaluating" Randy when he should've been shown the door months ago.

Randy is a stubborn old school piece of shit.  He can mutter on about "compete" or any other 1970's cliches all he wants, the fact is it was his way or the highway.  Carlyle refused to play his 4th line, back in his day the 4th line was reserved for face-punching troglodytes and he insisted on dressing two of them every night last season in Colton Orr and Fraser McClaren, this past off season management took his goons away and he STILL barely plays his fourth line.  In case you haven't watched successful teams lately, winning teams consistently roll 4 lines and don't ride their first line into the ground.  There was only one way with Randy Carlyle and he continually tried to hammer a square peg into a round hole.  Pushed out were players Randy under-utlized like Mikhail Grabovski and Clarke MacArthur, in comes "Randy Players" like David Fucking Clarkson and a glut of bottom 6 players brought in for their "compete".  PS I fucking hate that word to describe hockey players, go compete my nuts.

Then there is the fact that Randy is a cancer to younger players.  How are young, talented players like Peter Holland supposed to grow when their coach doesn't trust them and nails them to the bench or press box anytime they make a slight mistake or sneeze the wrong way.  He leaned on veterans like Jay McClement while refusing to give the Kadri's and Holland's of the world a chance.  Even now he is trotting out a career AHLer like Trevor Smith over some of the young guys on the Marlies like Sam Carrick (who just by coincidence was called up today).  Jake Gardiner's development has been seriously hindered under Carlyle, hopefully it's not past the point of no return.  The Leafs are a defensive mess (due to Randy's systems? Yes most likely) but who always got the flack? It wasn't Captain Dion Phaneuf (I'm a Phaneuf apologist btw) it wasn't old man Stephane Robidas whom the Leafs have signed until he is well into his 50's.  It was always Jake, he got nailed to the bench, he spent nights watching from the press box.  He gets one player (always a younger one) and picks on them, be it Gardiner or Nazem Kadri last year.  I am so glad that Randy is not going to have that chance to ruin William "Snizzbone" Nylander when he is with the team next season.

Carlyle also had very 1970's attitudes on injuries and concussions... do you remember that quote above?  According to Dr. Randy HELMETS CAUSE CONCUSSIONS is he fucking mental?!?! Plus his reaction to Jake Gardiner skating for the first time after his concussion "it's about time".  How about when Tyler Bozak had his oblique injured and the doctor's held him back "I'm disappointed, I expected him to play".  How about when perennial Band Aid Joffrey Lupul was trying to ease back from a groin injury "I don't know why he is not playing".  Sure Randy, get players to come back when they are less than 100% because you have some caveman mentality that you should play through any injuries... fuck bud these guys are multi-million dollar investments, I want them to be 100% before they're back so THEY DONT END UP BACK ON THE DISABLED LIST YOU FUCKING SQUID.

So peace out Randy you fucking plug, I guarantee you like his predecessor Wrong Wilson he will not sniff another NHL head coaching job anytime soon.  As for the future?  Personally I would like to see the Hunter brothers take control of the team.  Mark Hunter already works in the front office, I say let him become GM (Dave Nonis is a clown too) and bring Dale in to coach the team.  The Hunters turned the London Knights from a 5 win team in the late 90's to perennial OHL contenders.  I know OHL is a lot different from the NHL, but I think they can do it.

This article would not be complete if I didn't address the vultures known as the Toronto media.  The list is small of the hockey writers I like in Toronto - Bruce Arthur and James Mirtle.  That's it.  The rest of them can go fuck themselves, ESPECIALLY Damien Cox, Steve Simmons, Cathal Kelly and fucking Dave Feschuk.  Wrong Wilson decided to stick his filthy nose into the situation calling up TSN Radio and saying that Phil Kessel was uncoachable, and of course that started a fucking fire storm with the vultures.  Dave Feschuk is a mittenstringer at best and a fucking troll at worst, he has written countless articles slamming Phil Kessel for being fat, for being lazy, for having no character.  Don't forget Feschuk is the same piece of shit that called James Reimers mother at home demanding comment on his injury... yes he called Reimers mother.  Anyways Kessel rightly put Feschuk in his place calling him an idiot when he asked Kessel if he was uncoachable.  What kind of fucking answer was he expecting?  Did you think Kessel was going to pat your head and give you a trophy, what a fucking troll move that was.  Phil Kessel is not the problem with the Leafs, only in fucking Toronto does a perennial 30+ goal scorer and one of the best offensive players in the game receive so much flack.  Kessel does all this without playing with a true #1 centre... I am sorry Bozie the only reason you get the points you do is because of Phil, on any other team he'd be a borderline AHLer.  These fucking media vultures get morons behind them wanting to run Phil Kessel out of town.  Hey remember when the Philadelphia media got behind running Jeff Carter and Mike Richards out of town for their "lack of compete" and partying?  Those guys only have two Stanley Cup rings and the Flyers have been nothing short of horse shit since.  Phil Kessel is an elite player in the NHL, Cathal Kelly had a turd of an article this morning calling him a "Coca-Cola swilling Holy Fool"  (side note: huh?) and demanding he gets traded, to hell with the return.  Typical reactionary bullshit.  The tabloid rag known as the Toronto Sun had a picture of Phaneuf, Kessel and Gardiner on the front of the Sports Section with the label "The Uncoachables"  Hey they are the same retards that shilled for Rob Ford and employ Joe "Where is your Hat?" Warmington and Sue-Ann Levy who is the scum of the universe.  They also were over the moon thrilled with the signing of "Wendal Clarkson".  Fuck I am just rambling at this point, but the bottom line is the Toronto Sports Media are scum and it's no fucking surprise nobody really wants to sign with the Leafs.  The Toronto Sports Media like to claim it's the fans that are insane, but the insane fans are the ones who take the words of pieces of shit like Cox, Simmons, Feschuk and Kelly like gospel.

There is no easy fix with this Leafs team, Nonis has fucked up the cap dishing out massive, unmoveable contracts (dickheads who are yelling to trade Phaneuf, Clarkson and Kessel... get a fucking clue no team are will pick up those contracts).  But management is moving in the right direction in firing Carlyle, it was the correct move that was long overdue.

Writing all this has depressed the fuck out of me... I am going to Popeyes.

Fuck Russia, Fuck Doug Moron and Fuck My Shitty Picks

Hello all, I hope you all enjoyed your holidays... I spent my holidays drinking and watching sports, which isn't much different than how I spend my non-holidays.  Anyways I'll lead off with my terrible football predictions, I went 1-4 with my picks last week, and I really should've gone 0-4.  Get used to it folks, I'm always wrong.  I hope nobody got their kneecaps broke by some East End Squid Bookie as a result of my picks.  The people who should've got their kneecaps broken are the horrible referees from the Dallas-Detroit game, never in my life have I seen such a piss-poor calls and I watch the CFL for fucks sakes.  Do I realistically think there was a mass-conspiracy to allow the Dallas Cowboys to win the game... kind of, but it's not realistic.  The NFL nor their refs certainly didn't do themselves any favours from the horse-shit that transpired in Big D yesterday.  Despite having egg on my face I will continue to make picks for the Divisional Round - here they go.

BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND

WINNER:

The New England Patriots can suck it.  Their legions of bandwagon fans can go eat a bag of crushed arseholes.  Tom Brady can suffer a horrific water slide accident and Gisele will divorce him and hook up with yours truly.  Bill Belichick can sever an artery in his arm when he is cutting the sleeves off his hoodie.  I have no rational reason to pick Baltimore besides that I hate New England.  Baltimore 97 New England -9

CAROLINA @ SEATTLE

WINNER:

Does this game even need to be played?  Monkeys are going to come flying out of my ass before Carolina beats Seattle in Seattle.  This will be unwatchable garbage that I will likely end up watching anyways.

DALLAS @ GREEN BAY

WINNER:

Even though the Packers lost to the Bills in Week 15, they should have no problem beating Dallas and their referees.  It should be a good game though, as despite the bullshit the Dallas-Detroit game was the ONLY good game last weekend.  Hopefully it is one of those brutally cold Frozen Tundra games, I like watching those... I can't believe the boys only wear short sleeves during that shit, don't they know they can catch a cold?? What are their mothers thinking!

INDIANAPOLIS @ DENVER

WINNER:

I'm not gonna lie, I am getting kind of sick of Peyton Manning, yes he is a surefire hall of famer, and he was kind of funny on SNL, but Jesus Christ old man river it's time to hang them up, maybe if Denver makes a Super Bowl run he will finally retire.  But Peyton wouldn't be Peyton if he doesn't choke in the playoffs.  Andrew Luck is the next generation of superstar quarterbacks but I don't think he will be triumphant on this day.

I guess while I am on the topic of NFL football I should address this piece of shit Doug "Moron" Marrone.  On New Years Eve I was already into double digits on my beer count when I got a notification on my phone saying that this asshole exercised some out clause and he was gone!  Not only that he informed his players of this through a mass text message and the players are pissed. He got a cool $4 million for walking, but that just goes to show you how inept the Bills and their negotiation skills are.  In the days since, articles like this one have emerged saying how disliked Marrone was amongst the players and staff of the Bills... not just lowly bloggers like myself! Apparently he was a big control freak, even going as far as needing to approve what video clips the Bills put on their website.  The funniest thing in all this is the shitty Jets have swooped in and are likely to hire him.  This is fucking hilarious, if Doug Moron couldn't get along with the Buffalo media, good luck in New York you fucking clown.  I've said all along the best replacement for Marrone is already on staff with Jim Schwartz, but according to the dozen push notifications I get from TheScore App on a daily basis the Bills have requested to interview everyone and their fucking dog to be the new head coach.  It'll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Something sounds right about Canada vs. Russia, the Cold War is long over (but not if that toupee wearing asshole Stephen Harper has anything to say about it), the USA may be more of a rivalry to people my age, but you know what Fuck Russia, they are a bunch of ugly fucking squids who need to be taught a lesson.  That collapse Canada had against Russia in the gold medal game a couple of years ago still stings... remember how goofy those Russians looked when they were screaming at the cameras??  Those kids must've spent too much time playing around Chernobyl.  Anyways it should be a great game, Canada has been amazing in this tournament and I have no reason to believe that they won't continue to be amazing, hopefully Max Domi gets a hatty.  At least they are out of fucking Montreal for the gold medal game... did anyone even give a flying fuck there? They couldn't even sell out the Canada-USA game on New Years, and a lot of the games had massive chunks of empty seats.  The Toronto crowds have been a million times better, and it just goes to show the ACC can be a great hockey crowd when there is something to cheer for.  

" A warm breeze, a gentle touch! The Boston Bruins, they suck so much!"
"Shitting the bed is Boston's new endeavor, hold their purse for like, forever"

That poem I came up with and put on Facebook, and their shoot-out win over Boston was pretty much the only good thing to happen to the Leafs last week.  They were downright horrible against Tampa Bay and against Winnipeg, they played better in Minnesota but they still lost.  The injury bug has hit them pretty hard, and surprise, surprise Joffrey "Band Aid" Lupul is amongst the ones in the infirmary.  Once again the Leafs have taken a liking to getting horrifically outshot, and this comes down to fucking Randy Carlyle.  He is a terrible coach and the team has obviously tuned him out, since you can't fire the whole team get rid of Randy.  Yeah they are still clinging to a playoff spot, but who knows how long that is going to last, I haven't like Carlyle from the jump and I hope he is gone sooner rather than later.

The Week Ahead: vs. Washington (1/7) vs. Columbus (1/9).  Pretty light week for the Leafs as they finally return home.... but these are the only two games they have at home before they head to California to play those teams.  Like I say every week the Leafs are so fucking bi-polar you don't know what you're gonna get, they could come out and crush Washington who is ahead of them in the standings only to get destroyed by Columbus two nights later, a team who is much worse off in the standings.  God damn it this team is frustrating.

It's been a bit of a tough go for the Raptors, as they are in the midst of a season high 3 game losing streak.  It feels so weird to type that out for the Raptors! At least the toughest portion of their schedule is behind them, they aren't first in the Eastern Conference anymore, but surprise surprise they are still leading the Atlantic Division by a considerable margin.  The Portland game last Tuesday was one of the best games I have watched all season, the Raps did come up short in OT, but that was thanks to some god awful refereeing and some uncharacteristic missed shots by Kyle Lowry down the stretch.  They had some good stretches against Golden State but ultimately they got out-classed by the best team in the NBA.  Thank fuck everyone was watching the Juniors last night because they really stunk out the joint against Phoenix, but that was a sign of an exhausted team at the end of a long brutal road trip.  I have no doubts the Raptors will be back to their winning ways now that they are back at home.

The Week Ahead: vs. Charlotte (1/8) vs. Boston (1/10).  The Raptors are kicking off a long stretch at home, and the best news of all - DeMar DeRozan is back!! They did alright without them, but they certainly missed him when they were playing the better teams in the NBA.  They are playing shit bag Eastern teams for the next couple of weeks, so it will be perfect to ease him back into competition that way, and have him at full strength down the stretch and come playoff time.

Enjoy the Gold Medal Game tonight folks, thanks to the Leafs it could be the last good hockey we see for a while.  The podcast is still in preliminary stages (as in I need to buy one of those fancy microphones), but I am serious this time about getting it going.  Until then give me a follow on the twitter @HDH2112.  I should also note that shockingly this is the 2 year anniversary of this blog!! It started out with me giving a power rankings of the London Ontario McDonald's and there has been a lot of swearing a bullshit since!! Thank you for reading!