Sprots Ramblings are Back on Mondays!!

Remember when I said I was going to post my sports ramblings on Sunday because Monday I was too busy being gainfully employed... yeah well nevermind about that.  Back to sweet unemployment bliss for your boy.  You want Squids?? Take a look at the store manager and customers of SMART Choice Rent to Own, charging low income East End Squids $3000 for a shitty used couch and $1400 for a god damned PS4 after the ridiculous fees.  Part of my job was putting shit on KIJIJI would you pay $300 for this piece of shit chair?? (Keep in mind the arms and legs are all scuffed to shit) It's going to take me weeks to clean off the ink from their be-mulleted tentacles.  Ugh.

The big sports story of the week was your boy HDH and his buds invading Auburn Hills Michigan to watch the Raptors lose a heartbreaker to the Shitstons.

The Curse of HDH continues.

I've seen the Blue Jays play in New York City and Pittsburgh and they've lost, I saw the Ti-Cats at SkyDome last year and they lost, and now I've witnessed the Raptors lose in Detroit.  I am going to Cleveland to see the Jays for 2 games this May, I hope to fuck my curse does not continue.

Anyways, the Palace of Auburn Hills, despite being one of the older arenas in the NBA is still a decent spot to watch a game.  It's one main concourse like Copps Coliseum, and the bathrooms are a little on the little small side, but other than that they've obviously put some work in to make it up to modern snuff, including a massive Dallas Stadium like scoreboard.

The main shitty thing is that it followed the White Flight out of Detroit and is pretty much in the middle of fucking nowhere.  I am a big fan of downtown arenas, I know people bitch about the SkyDome, but it's in a perfect location.  The Palace is a good 40-45 minutes away from the border crossing, it's like if the Raptors played in Hamilton for christs sakes... but not just Hamilton, fucking shitty assed Flamborough surrounded by nothing.  Luckily we had a chauffeur who hung out at a friends place while we all drank massive amounts of beer.

Speaking of concessions, I thought the selection at the Palace was very good, I got a delicious spicy chicken sandwich, and my friends got some very good looking burgers.  There was a great selection of decently priced food beyond the typical hot dogs and popcorn.  Unlike the SkyDome the beer selection was great, you could get all kind of craft beers and they don't charge you out the ass.  $9.75 US for a massive can of Miller Lite was my go-to however.

Our seats were pretty awesome and Raptors fans easily outnumbered Pistons fans (both were outnumbered by vast swathes of empty seats).  There's my boy the White Mamba, I got mad props from strangers for my Tyler Hansbrough shirsey.  The game itself was alright, the Raptors started with their disturbing trend of playing down to shitty competition at the start as the Pistons led for most of the first half.  DeMar DeRozan put the team on his back and they came roaring back in the second half.  Kyle Lowry left with a back injury in the first quarter and he is STILL out, and may not be back until Game 1 of the playoffs *single tear*.  As for the ending that brings us to this weeks....

Lou Williams.

C'Mon Bud.

Yeah you're likely to be the 6th Man of the Year, and truth be told you've been pretty fucking good  this season.  But c'mon bud some of the brain cramps, especially the one you had on Tuesday was down right terrible and cost us the game.  Basically the Raptors got the ball back down by 2 with 20 or so seconds left, and Lou ran his stupid fucking is-Lou-ation play, then chucked up a 3 ball with his fucking foot still on the Pistons logo at half court with 5 seconds left, of course he missed.  Yeah if he managed to hit that home run ball we would've been the hero, but fuck bud that was a low percentage shot and he didn't even try to run a play! Dwane Casey said in hindsight he should've called a time out and drawn up a play... ya think?!?!?

Well the Raptors won their division for the second year in the row after being in first for the entire season, they are in the playoffs and are poised to have their best season on paper in team history.  If you knew all that going into the season you'd be thrilled right?

Not the fucking garbage clowns to pollute the Toronto sports landscape.

Jesus Christ is nothing good enough for these squids?  Yeah the Raps haven't been exactly world beaters since the calendar flipped to 2015 but look at the big fucking picture for Christs Sake. Remember the state of this team even at the start of last season pre-Rudy Gay trade?  The Bargnani years?  Pretty much the whole 20 years of this fucking franchise.

Look on the bright side of life for once in your miserable existence.

Yeah the Raptors won't win the title this year, I maintain best case Ontario is if they get hot and make the East Finals.  It's a god damned work in process still, and that's why "In Masai I trust" he's an exceptional GM and this team is only going to get better and better and within a couple of seasons they will be perennial title contenders, we just got to deal with some growing pains until then.

The Week Ahead:  vs. Houston (3/30), @ Minnesota (4/1), @ Brooklyn (4/3), vs. Boston (4/4).  The Rockets destroyed us in Houston already once this year and it will take a huge effort by the Raptors not to let it happen again.  Then the schedule looks pretty light, in fact it's pretty light for the rest of the season, yeah the are still NBA teams and anything can happen, but hopefully this schedule will give them some much needed momentum heading into the playoffs.

There really isn't much to say right now about the Blue Jays except that I am sick of Spring Training, sick of cold weather and want my beloved Blue Jays back on my TV every night.  I've caught a few Spring Training games on TV, and it's great to hear Buck and Tabby again, but Spring Training is so fucking ghetto, the stadiums are shit, they all have to wear these whacky uniforms and caps, and it's a bunch of AA and AAA plugs we'll never see again.

Luckily it's only 1 week until the Jays kick off their season at Yankee Stadium against the god forsaken Yankees.  Now that I have a lot of free time on my hands again look for a complete season preview in the coming days!

There is multiple Squids of the Week again this week.  These have to go to the keyboard warrior trolling scum bags who used a dying kids last wish to make fun of the Leafs.  This poor little kid Garrett Gamble has a rare disease and doesn't have much time left and through the Make a Wish foundation the Maple Leafs signed him to a one day contract, gave him his own bio page on their website, he got to meet the team and hang out in the locker room, and drop the puck at centre ice on Saturday night.  Obviously it was the best day of his life.  Of course the Leafs posted this on their Facebook page.

Don't ever read the comments on Facebook, YouTube or anything... comment sections should be deleted from everything.

I clicked on the comments, and what should I see but fucking idiots going "duhhhh he's already better than Phaneuf" and saying he'll be long gone before they make the playoffs again.  Go fuck yourselves, your souls are dog shit.  Same thing happened with the Leafs had a contest to marry a couple of diehard fans at centre ice, same assholesmaking shitty comments trolling the Leafs and their fans when they are trying to do something nice.

Now I have been guilty of telling some pretty dark jokes in my day, but making fun of a dying kids love for the Leafs is going way too far.  Good thing for Garrett is the Leafs beat the fucking Senators that night and his favourite player Tyler Bozak got a hatty.  Yeah the Leafs have been nothing short a flaming heap of garbage this year, but at least they are finally reaching out and doing nice things for their long-suffering fans.

Big Brother Canada 3 Opening Week Thoughts

Well Risha and her great big dirty milkers are out of the house, thanks for the mammaries! Well for now at least, as it's been the revealed that the first five houseguests eliminated will get a chance to compete to come back in the house.  As we all know I hate Twistos Twists, but if they insist on pulling this bullshit I'm glad they are doing it pre-jury when it doesn't matter as much.  It was a crime on BBCAN1 when Gary was let back in the house with a few weeks left.

As for Canada's vote, I am once again disappointed with my fellow countrymen.  Ya Blew It.  I guess the same assholes who voted to evict Risha are the same squids who have elected that toupee wearing piece of shit Stephen Harper to successive majority governments.  How can anyone possibly vote for Pilar to stay?  She is completely useless, she was on the block and had absolutely nothing to say, the only time she talked she sounded like Marlee Matlin for christs sake.  At least Risha was going to play the game.  Pilash fucking sucks, she is like Victoria on BB16 she's boring as all get out and there was a chance for someone who offers absolutely nothing to be shown the door, but like I said YA BLEW IT!  

By the way as someone with a unique name I know how annoying it is to have people mispronounce your name and having to explain it (hence why I usually just go by Did or Diddy).  But she hasn't corrected anyone, if you want to be called Peelee fucking say so, or is she that fucking dense that she doesn't realize it?  Even the Big Brother voice guy in the Instagram-filtered opening recap kept calling her Pilar.

Other Random Thoughts:

I don't think I can deal with Zankie 2.0. it was so incredibly annoying the first time around.  At least Johnny isn't as dreadful as fucking Frankie.  Frankie is the fucking worst... did you see when he went to some shitty award show dressed in body paint?  What an attention whore.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, but if the BBCAN producers are going to create a fake male on male showmance just for attention that is stupid as all fuck.

Alliances are starting to form, I like the idea of the Zach and Jordan alliance, I think they will go far, Zach is a physical threat but he is as boring as his home province of Saskatchewan.  Jordan is a super fan and a good strategist, the combination of brains and brawn could take them far.  It kind of reminds me of The Renegades with Dan and Memphis on BB10.

Sarah fucking nailed it for calling on Kevin purposely sabotaging that balloon thing... colour me shocked about that.  I am coming around to her, I hope she drops the whole airhead stoner act because she is smart and has good things to say.  I am starting to like Brittnee too.

The whole Sindy with an S thing needs to end immediately, I suppose she is the anti-Pilar when it comes her name.  I guess you need someone you love to hate! She seems to be scheming right now, she has won a competition and I do like actual game players not dullards like fucking Pilar, Bruno or Bobby.

Speaking of Bobby I saw this and thought it was pretty funny

I really need to get photoshops and do them, I think I can come up with some good ones for my Big Brother and Sports blogs.

As of right now the feeds haven't been turned on so I don't know who won HOH, it's too fucking early to make a call on who I think I will get it and who might be going on the block.  For new readers I do post spoilers, but they're always at the end of the blog and there is a warning!

Well that's it until next Wednesday!  In the meantime give your boy a follow on the Twitter @HDH2112

Big Brother Canada 3 Opening Episode Thoughts

My favourite show is back! This is the fifth edition of Big Brother that I will be providing weekly thoughts on in this shitty blog.  This article will be a little one to provide some first impressions of the show and each houseguest.  First things first if you're a veteran reader of this blog you know that I hate twists, and I especially hate fucking Twistos Twists.  I don't know if it is the typical Canadian little brother syndrome that we feel the need to try and one-up the American version, but Jesus Christ, the third word out of Arisa Cox's mouth tonight was twist, and she must've said twist about 45 times in the first five minutes. 

Anyhoo, I suppose the big thing is that they have no furniture, no food no nothing, just a bunch of random looking shit on the wall.  I think that is fucking stupid too, Big Brother Canada always tries to be different but it is usually in the stupidest ways possible. The house itself is a lot cooler looking than the last Big Brother USA house, remember the HOH room was a birds nest for christs sake.

As for the episode I like the idea they had of having everyone make two nominations and the two with the most votes are put up. It's kind of silly to have a real HOH right off the jump when you don't know anyone.  It should come as no surprise that two women were nominated, I am not going to try and go all sociological on you because I have no clue what the fuck I am talking about but it seems the guys in Big Brother stick together at first while the women all gun after each other.  Remember when Joey tried to make an all girls alliance in the last Big Brother USA?  She was given the boot immediately. What happened to Girl Power? Didn't the Spice Girls teach you anything??

To nobody's surprise Sindy with an S (ugh) and Busty LaRue were nominated, to everyone's surprise Sindy won veto and put up that weirdo Pilar (Peelee? Pilash?)  Now Canada get to vote who gets evicted... I am voting to boot Pilar, I am not done oogling Risha's sweater puppies.  Sindy is also fucking stupid for putting up Pilar because she didn't hug her? Get the fuck out of here, she blew an opportunity to put up an actual physical threat because she was being catty.

Here are my initial thoughts on each house guest even though I have to look at the website to remember their names/faces:

Ashleigh: Hey bad girl, your number up for grabs? 

Bruno: Already in fucking tears over his kids, Jesus Murphy I hope this isn't #DevinHasADaughter2.0.  He got a lot of votes tonight for an unknown reason.  Probably because he is from Ottawa and told everyone he likes the god forsaken Senators.

Brittnee: What an unfortunate spelling of the name Brittany.  She lives in NYC, I don't care if she was born in Calgary that should disqualify you from being on the show!

Bobby: I barely remember him being on the show.

Godfrey:  His bio was the only one that stood out to me when I was reading them last week, hopefully he delivers on his promises to be a shit disturber in the house.

Graig: I think there was a typo on his birth certificate.  Nice fucking hair doo bud, looks like you lost a fight with a weed whacker.

Johnny: I think he's the token gay.... yeah he's the token gay (not that there is anything wrong with that!) Being a super fan will help his game, but he didn't really do anything to stand out yet.

Jordan: There is always at least 1 dork in a bowtie.

Kevin:  The Poker Player, he's had some pretty shitty lines so far... and what's the deal with Calgary? Why is half the house from fucking Harper-land, and where are the Newfies?? The only east coaster is fucking Peelee and she was born in Mexico!
  
Naeha: Chiropractors freak me out, the sound of neck bones cracking give me the boo boo jeebies.

Pilar: How in the name of fuck do you get Pilee from that spelling??  It's like when Karel Pilar played for the Leafs he pronounced his last name Pilash.  Anyways I hope she is gone this week, as I don't think I can deal with her Rachel Reilly cackle.

Risha: Chesty LaRue indeed.  Everyone seems intimated, but I hope she stays, not just for the boobs but she seems like a interesting character, and it's nice not having someone fresh out of fucking high school on the show.

Sarah: Weed bars are legal?  How do I not know about this? So she is playing the hippie dippie angle, who knows if she lasts as long as Talla or is given the boot quickly like Anick.  Anyways where do I sign up to be an hemployee??

Sindy: Get the fuck off my TV and that's fuck with an f.  I really was hoping she was the one evicted this week, but kudos I guess for winning the veto.

Willow: What a firecracker, I like how she has studied the game and as practiced having cold showers, I think she'll last a while.

Zach:  Seems competitive, I can see him lasting a while.

Well that's it for tonight, I will have another (albeit probably small) blog after Wednesdays eviction and each week after the Wednesday show.  Give me a follow on the Twitter in the meantime @HDH2112 I will have my official pick on a winner by next week.

Sunday Sports Ramblings (I suck at Titles)

Fuck Raps... this is getting very worrisome, the playoffs are fast approaching and it seems the boys are too pre-occupied with that to forget that there is still a dozen or so regular season games left.  The Raptors have pretty much been guaranteed a top-4 seed in the horrible Eastern Conference since the first month of the season on account of being on top of the tire fire known as the Atlantic Division, because of that I think they are going into cruise control in these meaningless regular season games and unfortunately they are picking up some bad habits.  What fucking drives me bonkers is when they start getting in the weeds they just start throwing up contested jump shots without moving the ball or driving the paint.  They really got exposed against Chicago on Friday night, the Bulls are a great team with plenty of playoff experience, and it showed.  If we end up playing the Bulls in the first round of the playoffs it's going to be curtains for the boys, Derrick Rose or not.  Fortunately for the Raptors they play Mr. Primo Pasta and Sauce himself and the shitty Knicks this afternoon.  Granted Bargnani and the Knicks beat the Raptors a few weeks ago, and they recently beat the Spurs, but come on fellas, you need to take advantage and curb stomp these squids back to the stone age.

The Week Ahead:  vs. New York (3/22), @ DETROIT (3/24), vs. Chicago (3/25), vs. Los Angeles Lakers (3/27).  Why is that @ Detroit bolded, italic and underlined you ask?  Only because your boy HDH will be at the Palace of Auburn Hills cheering on the Raps.  Fucking beauty seats too bud, best of all I just got a Tyler "White Mamba" Hansbrough shirsey... fuck I am going to get chirped for that, I don't mind that though, getting WWE style cheap heat is hilarious, so long as I don't get stabbed in the Malice at the Palace 2.0 because as you all know despite my large frame I am very delicate.  Originally my buddies and I were planning on making a bunch of Jack Armstrong related signs so we can end up on TV, I wanted to get a big print out of his head with a bunch of thought bubbles that said "HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!" and "Get that Gah-Bage Outta Here!" "MGD!!" etc. etc. etc.  We would have gotten on TV for sure, but alas like all my drunken plans it has all gone for not.

Jon Taffer needs to go into the Leafs locker room and yell at the Leafs.  Shut this miserable season down.  I barely watch the games anymore, last nights game against the Sens was the first game I have watched in weeks.  I hear the squids going "duhhhh you gotta be professional and compete" they are just kicking these boys when they're down.  Of course they've given up on this season, management threw the towel in months ago, why the fuck should they care?  Why should we as fans care?  See you in October Leafs.

With the NCAA March Madness tournament in full swing, this weeks C'Mon Bud has to go to the assholes at Yahoo! Fantasy Sports.  C'Mon Bud why do you treat your shitty website so seriously, I am sure the fucking Pentagon requires less clearance to get in.  Everytime I join a Yahoo pool I don't remember my user name and password, so I have to jump through fucking hoops to get them back.  It's an irritating 20 minute process, and of course they always reject my passwords because they aren't strong enough...seriously?  Plus at my work computer, on my laptop at home, on my phone, on the good downstairs computer these assholes make you enter in a code they text you just to make sure it's you.  Why would anyone want to hack into my Yahoo account?  It's absolutely insane the steps they make you go through to fill out a fucking bracket and to check it. Plus even though I always click keep me signed in I have to enter my fucking user name and password each god damn time. Speaking of brackets, I filled one out I have Kentucky, North Carolina, Louisville and Gonzaga in my Final Four.  I base that on watching absolutely nothing, I haven't followed NCAA at all this season, and really haven't watched too much of the tournament so far.   Back in university the first four days of the tournament was the best, classes were skipped, beer was consumed, bets were made and 12 hours of basketball were watched.  I miss those days, fuck take me back!!  There is too many one-and-done's in NCAA basketball now (not that I blame players for doing that) and that takes away some of the luster of the tournament as far as I am concerned.

There is actually multiple Squids of the Week this week.  They are everyone who has anything to do with the fucking Ottawa Senators and that horribly flukey piece of shit Hamburglar Andrew Hammond. Hammond was first the Squid of the Week a few weeks back when his Hamburglar mask was brought to my attention, since then he has played well enough to garner attention from everyone and it is annoying as fuck.  The Hamburglar is history's greatest monster, why would you ever want that little asshole on your mask??  Of course I have been chirping the Sens fan I know and my pal Kelso had just enough, someone called me Grimace on Facebook and then this was produced:

Granted the Sens and this loser goaltender have been playing well as of late, but face it assholes you're going to be in the same position as the Leafs after the season - on the outside looking in of the playoff picture.  It reminds of a few seasons back when the Leafs had another miserable season, but they got Martin Gerber and he ended up playing really well and the Leafs made a late surge only to end up in 9th place out of the playoffs.  It's gonna be the same with the shit-stained Sens, at least the Leafs know they are shit and are going to get an amazing draft pick.  The Sens are going to end up trading Robin Lehner, signing the god damned Hamburglar and he's going to turn back into a pumpkin while the Leafs will be rebuilding towards a dynasty.  The people I am most disappointed with is the good people at McDonald's.  This asshole paints the villain of Hamburgerland on his helmet and you give him free McDonald's for life!?!? I write blog after blog about McDonald's, give you a rave review on your CBO sandwich and all I get is a $10 Gift Card.  That hurts.  I am officially boycotting McDonald's until this whole Senators thing goes away (which is really only 10 more games when they miss the playoffs).  I hope Curtis Lazar got diarrhea from that burger he picked up and ate off that gross ice.  IF the Sens make the playoffs, maybe they'll bring back this asshole to get the crowd fired up:

That will always and forever be the worst thing to ever happen in professional sports.  Rise Up!!! RIIIIIIIIISEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Everything Sucks

What in the flying fuck is going on... Why is being a Toronto sports fan such a cruel and soul-crushing endeavor, seriously what did we do to piss off the sports gods?  I know there was a lot of misery porn articles written about the Toronto sports scene over the last week but christ, come the fuck on, it's getting a tad bit ridiculous and bordering on the absurd.  I hate cursive and I hate all of you, I'm never coming back to school again, EVER!

So where do we even fucking begin with the Leafs.  They are the biggest hot mess since Britney Spears shaved her head and took swings at the papparazzo with a umbrella.  The news with the Leafs wasn't that they lost 3 of 4 only beating the even more woeful Buffalo Sabres, it's the fact that the stupid fucking Leafs are going to end up running one of their best players out of town.  It's a fucking Toronto tradition folks, it's embarrassing and pathetic.  My boy Nasty Naz Kadri aka The Skillmatic was suspended by the powers that be for 3 games for insubordination or some shit.  He was late for a team meeting, and Peter "Hans Eckart" Horochek sent him home in disgrace and revealed he was getting benched for the next game, then fucking Shanahan comes out and he is suspended for an additional two games for unknown disciplinary issues.  What in the flying fuck was that, throwing your best player in this miserable season under the bus and letting the fucking Toronto media vultures swarm.  Who actually knows what he did to deserve the 3 game suspension, too much partying? Drunkenly hit on Shanahans daughter? Pushed Carlton the Bear down a flight of stairs? Anyways Toronto chews up it's best young players and spits them out, count Kadri among the list of players who are going to flourish elsewhere after being run out of town.  I don't get this whole hockey mentality of not letting their 20-something millionaire players have a good time.  The Boston Bruins ran Tyler Seguin out of town for partying and he's only one of the leading scorers in the league now.  The Philadelphia Flyers tried to get Jeff Carter and Mike Richards to sign up for "Sober Island" and when they didn't they were shipped out of town and they won 2 fucking Stanley Cups with the Kings.  Why Shanahan would embarrass Kadri in front of everyone is beyond me, it's one thing if this was in Tampa Bay or Dallas, but not in Toronto not in front of the dreadful Rosie DiManno, Steve Simmons and fucking Dave Feschuk.

The Week Ahead: I don't even care... end this fucking season ASAP.

This is so incredibly upsetting.  The day after this adorable picture was taken we got the news that Marcus Stroman is out for the season.  The news hit me like a fucking punch to the stomach.  Marcus Stroman was very quickly becoming my favourite Blue Jay, look at the smile, the Raptors gear, his social media presence, goofing around with "Papa Buerhle".  All gone, because he was fielding a fucking bunt in a Spring Training drill.  Life's not fair.  Worst of all we won't have any Earl Stroman interviews... that man is truly terrifying. Not only does Stroman have an award winning personality, but he has the talent to back it up, I know he'll be back stronger than ever in 2016 but fuck bud.  If this injury happened to Buerhle or Drew Hutchinson, or any other player on the team besides maybe Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion, yeah it would suck but the fact that it happened to Marcus Stroman really really hurt.  Stroman represented so much hope for the 2015 season, he seems like such a great dude, plus he embraces Toronto, between the Raptors gear and changing his number to 6 for christs sakes (by the way is it cool for bald 30 something dorks from Hamilton to call Toronto "The 6" or is that going to ruin it for everyone).  He seems different from all the other hyped up young Toronto pitchers (RR Cool Jay I am looking in your direction).  It just seems like we can't have nice things in Toronto, Michael Saunders has a freak injury, this Stroman injury is as freakish as they come, which brings us to this weeks....

The misery continues for the Blue Jays when they already stretched thin outfield situation suffered another blow with....

What in the name of fuck is going on down there?  I know Kevin "Pilash" Pillar is only gone a week and the season doesn't start for another 3 weeks but come the fuck on, an oafish lummox like myself would hurt themselves sneezing not a god damn professional athlete.  Ever since Joe Carter touched them all in '93 this team has been fucking cursed, 21+ years of mediocrity, unmatched expectations, black uniforms for fucks sakes.  I'll always love the Jays and the season isn't doomed (yet) by any stretch of the imagination but it has certainly gotten off to a shitty start.

The Raptors beating the woeful Miami Heat on Friday kind of ruined the misery porn theme to this weeks ramblings, but the Raps have been nothing short of awful as of late.  The first half of the San Antonio game was one of the worst halves in recent memory, apparently my boy Kyle Lowry lit into the team towards the end of that half and that must've worked because they responded in the second half drawing within 6 of the defending champs, before running out of gas and losing by 10.  They put up a decent fight against OKC but a terrible third quarter sunk them.  I didn't see the game on Friday because I was getting drunk inside a church (true story) but I read they played a fuck of a lot better which is a bit of a relief.  The Raptors problem is they tend to take quarters and halves off, you need to play a full 48 minutes, especially come playoff time which is just a month away.  The toughest part of their schedule is over and done with, now's the time to gather some momentum for the playoffs.

The Week Ahead: vs. Portland (3/15), @ Indiana (3/16), vs. Minnesota (3/18), @ Chicago (3/20).  Tough match up tonight against Portland, the game they played against the Blazers back around Christmas was one of the better games this season despite the loss.  Indiana is shit, and despite Andrew Wiggins on the T-Wolves they're pretty awful.  The maple boners will all be popped for that game on Thursday being Wiggins first pro game in Toronto, people are already pining for him to join the Raptors when his rookie contract with Minnesota runs out, and I am sure some squid like Steve Simmons or Cathal Kelly will ask him about that when he's in town on Thursday. "You're currently under contract with another team and will be for the next few seasons, don't you want to play for the Raptors?" Even if Wiggins truly does want to what the fuck is he going to say?

In actual good news the OHL is coming to the Hammer! The Belleville Bulls are going to become the Hamilton Bulldogs, and the stench of the Montreal Canadiens is out of our fair city once and for all.  I have a feeling the OHL Bulldogs will be a lot more successful than the AHL Bulldogs, everyone I've talked to have said they'd attend more games next year, I won't get season seats but I want to go to at least 1 or 2 games a month.  Hamilton is never, ever ever ever getting an NHL team but in my opinion having an OHL team here is the next best thing.  The Bulldogs need new colours and uniforms currently they wear the Habs "bleu blanche et rouge" and have a horribly designed Reebok jersey with all the stripes and piping that makes it look like an apron.  I say have the team wear black and gold Ti-Cats colours, that will look good.

In other news, this is the 100th article I have written for this shitty blog.  Hard to believe eh!  I enjoy writing these and I hope the 4 or 5 regular readers stick around for the next 100!  Big Brother Canada starts next week and I will be posting weekly thoughts on that, there is a shit ton of restaurants in town I want to try and review, plus these weekly SPROTS ramblings aren't going anywhere.  Seriously though, thank you for reading!  I need a hobby besides drinking beer and fussing over my cats and this blog is perfect for it.

Lousy Smarch Doldrums

Fuck bud.  I thought the February doldrums were bad, it turns out the Smarch ones are worst.  This truly is the shittiest time of the year, winter is still sticking around like a horrible case of diarrhea, and sports are a solid month away from being good.  The two best months of the year for SPROTS is October and April, and until April the boys are just going through the motions... speaking of just going through the motions here are my Sunday Sprots Ramblings!! 

I'm a little worried about the Raptors you guys.  They've been a mediocre 14-16 since the calendar flipped to 2015, beating only the true scum scrapers of the NBA.  They weren't impressive at all last week, barely beating Philadelphia, seeing a spirited comeback fall short against the Cleveland LeBrons and then not even showing up against Charlotte on Friday.  What's the fucking deal with the Raptors and Charlotte, they've lost 8 games in a row in North Cackalacky to the Bobcats/Hornets.  It's bizarre how that works in sports sometimes, the Leafs NEVER beat the Sabres in Buffalo no matter how good/bad either team is, the Jays seem to always have a rough time in Anaheim, it's fucking annoying.  If the Raptors end up playing Charlotte in the playoffs (highly unlikely, yes) I may end up shitting my pants like the man in the picture above did at the 2010 Santa Claus Parade, because after all the hype, and all the great things the Raptors have done this season I don't think I could deal with a quick first round exit.  Fuck boys get your shit together.  Open the pharmacy and get my boy Big V more involved.  Seriously though, I don't get why minutes go by between Big V getting touches, Leo Rautins noted that on the broadcast recently, and even Chuck Swirsky tweeted that out the other night.  Big V is a double-double machine, and he is just going to keep getting better, take the training wheels off him already for fucks sakes.

The Week Ahead: @ Oklahoma City (3/8), @ San Antonio (3/10), vs. Miami (3/13)  Not exactly the easiest schedule for a team struggling with their confidence (and struggling in almost every other facet of the game).  The good news is we've already beaten the Thunder and the Spurs this season and Miami is just a shell of their former self.  I said I was worried about the Raps but I am still confident that they'll get their shit together, the sooner the better because the playoffs are on the horizon.

I never thought I would talk about the fucking Hamilton Bulldogs in this shitty blog.  I have a fundamental hatred for them even though they're my hometown team because they're the Junior Habs for fucks sakes, why would I cheer for a team that is grooming the squids of tomorrow??  I've only been to one Bulldogs game this year and that was because they were playing the Toronto Marlies.  Anyhoo, word emerged that the Bulldogs are going to leave Hamilton and move to St. John's for a couple of season while Laval, Quebec builds a John Labatt Centre sized arena, that would eventually be home to Montreal's AHL team (What will they call them, the Laval Frogs? The Tabernacs? The Shitty Frenchmen?)  Yeah on surface it's shitty that Hamilton would lose a team but it wouldn't be for long, rumour has it the Erie Otters of the OHL are for sale and they would move to Hamilton and will continue to be known as the Hamilton Bulldogs.  You guys that would be so much better, OHL hockey is awesome, I was a big Knights fan when I lived in London and going to games was a blast.  I don't know why Junior Hockey isn't more popular in Canada where we claim to be such a hockey crazed nation.  NCAA football and basketball is massive in the States, and there is no reason why Junior Hockey can't be here.  Sure the World Juniors get massive ratings but that's only two weeks of the year.  If the Bulldogs become an OHL team I would definitely go to a ton more games and I would follow the team closely.  I can't get behind this version of the Bulldogs because the stink of the Habs are all over them, I really hope this OHL thing happens.

Sweet thunderin' Jesus the Bills got LeSean McCoy.  The Rex Ryan era is already off to a ringing start!  Word had it that McCoy was shocked and not too pleased to be heading to Buffalo, but news came today that he signed a 5 year contract extension with the Bills.  The Bills sent Kiko Alonso the other way, which kind of sucks, but he missed the whole season last year and the Bills D hardly missed a beat without him.  I can't wait to see Shady McCoy run wild all over the shitty Patriots, no amount of cheating by that sneaky asshole Beli-shit will stop the Bills from winning the AFC East and finally making the god damned playoffs.  Yeah the QB situation is a little dicey still, but fuck it the D and McCoy will make up for it, maybe Matt Cassell can pull a miracle season out of his ass?  He did it before and it's certainly a better option than fucking Kyle Orton.

Be-still my beating heart there is baseball on my TV.  Oh my god this makes me happy, there is still snow on the ground but it's a beautiful day for baseball in sunny Dunedin Florida.  Aaron Sanchez is on the bump and the Jays line-up (with the exception of Dinner Navarro in for Russell Martin) is about what you'd expect to see on Opening Day.  It's great to hear Buck's voice again... a lot of people give Buck and Tabby a hard time but I have no problem with them at all.  Based on the success of the Jack Armstrong Drinking Game (over 500 views!) there will be the Buck and Tabby drinking game.  Some ideas are when Buck pronounces "error" as "air" or SWING AND A DRIIIIIIVE, whenever he says "fisted" any other Buck Blunders, when Tabby describes someone as "big and stroooong" or whenever they describe their playing careers in a self-depracating manner.  I just love having baseball on my TV again, even though it is still shitty Grapefruit League and half these boys will be in Buffalo and New Hampshire this season and there is still a month left of these meaningless games but as Alex Rios would say....

End this toxic Leafs season already, put us out of our misery.  I can't even watch these squids anymore, they are just so bad.  Last nights game against the Blues was one of the most pitiful games I have seen in my entire life, I was watching the end of the TFC game for christs sakes instead of the start of the Leafs game, and I couldn't even bring myself to watch the 3rd period.  The only good thing about that game was Dion Phaneuf's thunderous hit on TJ Oshie... which he got a minor penalty for after he got jumped.  That was just bizarre. Speaking of Dion Phaneuf I stood up and applauded when Phil Kessel went on his rant to the media... it is embarrassing how Dion and the rest of the Leafs are treated by Dave Feschuk, Steve Simmons and the rest of the squids that cover this team.  I know the Leafs have been nothing short of awful the last few months and they don't need smoke blown up their ass but enough is enough, the fact is Kessel and Phaneuf aren't judged so much on their play on the ice but their supposed character flaws off the ice.  Kessel hates talking to the media and is snippy when he's surrounded by 30 media dicks, so that means he's a bad guy.  Phaneuf is robotic when he talks to them, that means he's a poor leader.  Both these guys need a change of scenery and that's just too bad.  We can't have nice things, I guarantee wherever Kessel ends up next year he will be back being a top-10 scorer.  It's tough defending Phil now because he has dropped to 34th in the league in scoring, and he has been pretty awful, but  he has checked out and I don't blame him.  Phil's rant to the media on Monday brings us to.....

This weeks Squid of the Week is fucking Darren Dreger.  I hate Darren Dreger, that squid blocked me on Twitter a couple of years ago, he takes himself way too seriously and is an asshole.  He blocked me on Twitter because when the Atlanta Thrashers were moving to Winnipeg, Stephen Brunt of Sportsnet reported the news that it was a done deal.  For the next week or so Dreger went on TSN Sportscentre and on Twitter bending over backwards to try and dispute the report being all butt-hurt that he wasn't the one to break the story.  Anyways when the news was official I called him out on Twitter about it and he fucking blocked me.  Anyways when the Kessel thing happened last Tuesday he went on the radio and started bloo blooing everything and had this doozy:

Are you fist-fucking me? Who is Kessel to tell the media to their jobs?  Who the fuck are you to tell Kessel how to do his job?  You make your god damned living telling people how to do their job!  The Squid Toronto Media always carries on about accountability but who holds these squids accountable?  Plus there is the fact that Dreger's cousin is none other than Dave Nonis, I wonder who's idea it was to go on the radio and trash Kessel.  This whole hockey insider business is nonsense anyways, these squids take themselves far too seriously... hey assholes you report on hockey, a kids game played by millionaires, you're not at the fucking Kremlin reporting on world affairs.  Dreger in particular is the biggest asshole of them all, maybe even worse than Damien Cox, as with Cox I think he is just trolling us all and is trying to get a reaction, Dreger is just a dickhead.

This weeks C'Mon Bud goes once again to Rogers Hockey Night in Canada(TM).  They're trying to be cool and different with all these wacky camera angles, there was the stupid ref camera, and the one that follows the play from a higher angle, but the one that doesn't make sense is the Upskirt Camera.  C'Mon Bud do I really need to look at Nazem Kadri's junk?  It's fucking creepy and unnecessary, it looks like something you'd see on a shady porn site (not that I know anything about shady porn sites). The players must hate that camera too because they always cover it up, I don't blame them, why would you want a camera pointing up your nose?  We're really going to notice how shitty Rogers coverage is going to be come playoff time when they're the only ones covering the games, I hope for their own sake they get their shit together by then.

No More Clarkson!! What happened to the Raps?

Hey friends, so these ramblings are going to be your new Sunday tradition now, I have more time on Sundays to do it (between sleeping in and having 3 hour naps like today) It'll be like that jackass Steve Simmons' Sunday column but with less pretentious self righteousness and more swearing.  Speaking of that perennial squid of the week, did you read that column he shat out this morning claiming that Phil Kessel is to blame for Tyler Bozak being a worthless sack of assholes?  It's all Phil's fault that Bozak is a glorified third liner inexplicably given top ice time night after night, Bozak is even committing the cardinal sin of being snippy to the arseholes who cover the team on a daily basis because of Phil's influence...that Phil Kessel is one bad seed.

I couldn't fucking believe the news when I heard it.  To set the scene, on Thursdays I have to work until 8, my phone bleeps and bloops all the fucking time, with ladies texting me TheScore push notifications, Simpsons: Tapped Out notifications, people liking and commenting on my witty Facebook statuses etc etc.  My friends will say I am a little addicted to my phone, yeah so the fuck what it's 2015 deal with it, but I was at a co-workers desk learning some shit when I heard my phone bleep and bloop a little more than usual.  I had to go back to my computer to look something up work related, and of course I look at my phone to see what the commotion was all about... and there it was David Clarkson traded to the Columbus Blue Jackets, I had a stunned look on my face put my hands up in the air and yelled HOLY FUCK, of course my co-worker thought I got news that someone I knew died based on my reaction, but all I could say was "The Leafs actually did something fantastic!"  Since nobody I work with gives a flying fuck about sports the news was met with a shrug... of course I have to text my buddy and future podcast co-host Ando Rich with the good news, and I automatically go on twitter to see the reaction... but oh yeah I am at work, and this elicits a 20 minute rant from my older co-worker about how us youngins' are too addicted to our phones.  Anyways I was jubilant, that was the last fucking thing I thought would ever happen.  Obviously I like the trade, Clarkson was a 1000 lb. anchor that was going to hold the team back until his ridiculous contract expired in 2020.  The fact that this move could even happen is a credit to the people that Brendan Shanahan have brought in, not of Dave Stinkin' Nonis, who if you listen to the local mitten-stringers saved his job by this move he obviously had no part of.  The Leafs needed to get creative and Nathan Horton and his broken back was the answer.  Anyways good riddance Clarkson, he was nothing short of awful in the blue and white, and he is STILL blaming his ridiculous 10 game suspension at the start of last season for his terrible play.  Tomorrow is the trade deadline so who knows if the Leafs are done making moves, I would love nothing more to see Bozak get shown the door, but I honestly think not much more will happen on the trade front.  Either way, bring on the rebuild I am excited to watch some young player come up an develop, I am worried that even if they do get Connor McDavid and he doesn't produce right away he'll be run out of town by the likes of Steve Simmons and fucking Dave Feschuk and will flourish elsewhere... such as life as a Leafs fan.

The Week Ahead: @ Washington (3/1), @ Florida (3/3), @ Tampa Bay (3/5), vs. St. Louis (3/7)  Holy shit they play tonight?? (they're already down 1-0 hahaha) Rogers is still trying to make this Sunday Night Hometown Hockey Maple Boner a thing?  Sunday nights are meant for Bar Rescue.  They play the Florida teams, I've always wanted to do that road trip, go down to Florida and escape the shitty winter and see the Leafs play the Panthers and Lighting... maybe not so much this version of the Leafs team, but I think that would be a blast, who wants to go next year??

What the fuck is going on with the Raptors?? Last week I said I would be happy if they went 2-2 but they went a dreadful 0-4, blowing late leads against the Pelicans and Mavericks, and getting absolutely demolished by the Golden State Warriors, and then somehow losing to the Knicks last night.  That Golden State game was especially awful, the only good thing about that game was Tyler "The White Mamba" Hansbrough getting into fight... fuck they were really outclassed that night it was like watching the Leafs for christs sake.  I hate to say it but my boy Kyle Lowry is struggling, so is DeMar, and when they do that they feel the need to try to do everything themselves, throwing up wild contested shots instead of sharing the ball.  I think it was a smart idea to rest Lowry last night, even though they lost that game against the Knicks  it doesn't matter, neither does Mondays game against the 76ers, so maybe rest him again.  Rumour has it he is suffering some nagging injuries, for christs sakes make sure he is healthy for the playoffs, that's what matters.  Are the Raptors as bad as they were last week? No.  Are they NBA title contenders? Unfortunately not.  I think best case Ontario for the Raptors is for them to make it to the East Finals... it's a process just two short years ago they were god awful, they can't go 0 to 100 really quick.  (Did you see what I did there?)  In Masai I trust... this team is going to be good for years to come, one bad week isn't gonna knock me off the bandwagon.

The Week Ahead: @ Philadelphia (3/2) vs. Cleveland (3/4), @ Charlotte (3/6). The way the Raps have been playing they can't look past the 76ers... actually who the fuck am I kidding the 76ers are trash, if they lose to them I am going to shit my pants just like Rob Ford did at the 2010 Santa Claus Parade.  The game of the week is obviously the game against the Cleveland LeBrons on Wednesday, the LeBrons are playing like we all thought they would at the start of the year, and if the Raptors want to take themselves seriously in the Eastern Conference picture they are going to need to step up their game big time.  Normally I have trivia on Wednesday but sorry Team Quiz in My Pants I dont want to miss that game! 

 

Look how beautiful that picture is.  That is our 3-4-5 hitters squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I can't wait for baseball season, what a fucking line up the Blue Jays are going to have.  I know this is the time of year where 29 other teams are optimistic (well maybe not the Rays) but everything coming out of Jays camp about the new guys is nothing short of fantastic.  I don't buy into the intangible stuff as much as others, but everything I heard about the Jays clubhouse was that it was toxic last year, while a lot of the players remain, a lot of the whiners in Lind, Rasmus and batshit crazy Lawrie are gone, in are winners like Josh Donaldson and Russel Martin.  It wasn't all sunshine and lollipops in Dunedin last week, new comer Michael Saunders suffered a freak injury shagging fly balls when he stepped on a soft patch of grass around a sprinkler (editor's note: C'Mon Bud, get it together Dunedin).  The news wasn't all bad at first it was looking like he wasn't going to come back until the All-Star Break leaving a massive gap in left field, but now he'll be back in April.  While it sucks that he is going to miss Spring Training, and will likely struggle out the gate come April it could be a lot worse.  In other news the Jays signed Johan Santana! While injuries have left him a shell of his former self, this a no risk high reward move for the Jays, imagine if he gets it together, our rotation will be amongst the best in baseball.  I just want to Jays to make the playoffs again, it's been way too fucking long, is that too much to ask... with my fucking luck they'll make it to the Wild Card game and lose that, better than a kick in the ass I suppose.

This weeks Squid of the Week is none other than Gregg Zaun.  I think ol' Zauny Boy may be a Squid of the Week a few more times, but that asshole really blew it last week.  So Zaun goes on the radio and in full "Zaun Cherry" mode he starts going off about how the Jays needed more "Veteran Presents" and started regaling us with stories about when he was a rookie for the Baltimore Orioles.  He said  the veteran players led by Cal Ripkin Jr. hazed him, he said they tied him to a training table in a spread eagle position and dumped ice down his pants when he got mouthy (Zaun being mouthy imagine that??)  He also said Cal had an imaginary line on a plane and he was never to cross it, when Cal tested him by calling him over he wrestled him to the ground a beat on him.  Adding to the story Zaun complained he got dirt and Old Bay Seasoning all over his new suit because they were eating Blue Crabs in the back of the plane.  Of course my man Andrew Stoeten reported it on his blog, and that story "went viral" as the kids would say, and it reached Cal himself, who of course refuted it, Cal even said he always shared his crabs with the rookies (that sounds worse than it is). Cal has written a childrens book denouncing bullying and hazing, so this story must've really pissed him off.  I'd like to hear that phone call Cal got "Hey Cal, remember that shithead Zaun, he's up in Canada running his mouth off about the time you covered his suit in Old Bay Seasoning".  The funny thing about all that is the 1995 Orioles were sub .500 and their manager who turned a blind eye to all this supposed hazing was fired and hasn't had another major league job.  Zaun of course said he got carried away and the stories were greatly exaggerated, I think he gets so caught up in trying to be Baseball's Don Cherry he tends to embellish his stories, and in the end comes off looking like a real squid.

Unfortunetly this weeks C'Mon Bud has to go to my man DeMar DeRozan for this monstrosity last night.

What in the fuck was that.... that's just embarrassing. Pretty much sums up how the Raptors were last week.