No More Clarkson!! What happened to the Raps?

Hey friends, so these ramblings are going to be your new Sunday tradition now, I have more time on Sundays to do it (between sleeping in and having 3 hour naps like today) It'll be like that jackass Steve Simmons' Sunday column but with less pretentious self righteousness and more swearing.  Speaking of that perennial squid of the week, did you read that column he shat out this morning claiming that Phil Kessel is to blame for Tyler Bozak being a worthless sack of assholes?  It's all Phil's fault that Bozak is a glorified third liner inexplicably given top ice time night after night, Bozak is even committing the cardinal sin of being snippy to the arseholes who cover the team on a daily basis because of Phil's influence...that Phil Kessel is one bad seed.

I couldn't fucking believe the news when I heard it.  To set the scene, on Thursdays I have to work until 8, my phone bleeps and bloops all the fucking time, with ladies texting me TheScore push notifications, Simpsons: Tapped Out notifications, people liking and commenting on my witty Facebook statuses etc etc.  My friends will say I am a little addicted to my phone, yeah so the fuck what it's 2015 deal with it, but I was at a co-workers desk learning some shit when I heard my phone bleep and bloop a little more than usual.  I had to go back to my computer to look something up work related, and of course I look at my phone to see what the commotion was all about... and there it was David Clarkson traded to the Columbus Blue Jackets, I had a stunned look on my face put my hands up in the air and yelled HOLY FUCK, of course my co-worker thought I got news that someone I knew died based on my reaction, but all I could say was "The Leafs actually did something fantastic!"  Since nobody I work with gives a flying fuck about sports the news was met with a shrug... of course I have to text my buddy and future podcast co-host Ando Rich with the good news, and I automatically go on twitter to see the reaction... but oh yeah I am at work, and this elicits a 20 minute rant from my older co-worker about how us youngins' are too addicted to our phones.  Anyways I was jubilant, that was the last fucking thing I thought would ever happen.  Obviously I like the trade, Clarkson was a 1000 lb. anchor that was going to hold the team back until his ridiculous contract expired in 2020.  The fact that this move could even happen is a credit to the people that Brendan Shanahan have brought in, not of Dave Stinkin' Nonis, who if you listen to the local mitten-stringers saved his job by this move he obviously had no part of.  The Leafs needed to get creative and Nathan Horton and his broken back was the answer.  Anyways good riddance Clarkson, he was nothing short of awful in the blue and white, and he is STILL blaming his ridiculous 10 game suspension at the start of last season for his terrible play.  Tomorrow is the trade deadline so who knows if the Leafs are done making moves, I would love nothing more to see Bozak get shown the door, but I honestly think not much more will happen on the trade front.  Either way, bring on the rebuild I am excited to watch some young player come up an develop, I am worried that even if they do get Connor McDavid and he doesn't produce right away he'll be run out of town by the likes of Steve Simmons and fucking Dave Feschuk and will flourish elsewhere... such as life as a Leafs fan.

The Week Ahead: @ Washington (3/1), @ Florida (3/3), @ Tampa Bay (3/5), vs. St. Louis (3/7)  Holy shit they play tonight?? (they're already down 1-0 hahaha) Rogers is still trying to make this Sunday Night Hometown Hockey Maple Boner a thing?  Sunday nights are meant for Bar Rescue.  They play the Florida teams, I've always wanted to do that road trip, go down to Florida and escape the shitty winter and see the Leafs play the Panthers and Lighting... maybe not so much this version of the Leafs team, but I think that would be a blast, who wants to go next year??

What the fuck is going on with the Raptors?? Last week I said I would be happy if they went 2-2 but they went a dreadful 0-4, blowing late leads against the Pelicans and Mavericks, and getting absolutely demolished by the Golden State Warriors, and then somehow losing to the Knicks last night.  That Golden State game was especially awful, the only good thing about that game was Tyler "The White Mamba" Hansbrough getting into fight... fuck they were really outclassed that night it was like watching the Leafs for christs sake.  I hate to say it but my boy Kyle Lowry is struggling, so is DeMar, and when they do that they feel the need to try to do everything themselves, throwing up wild contested shots instead of sharing the ball.  I think it was a smart idea to rest Lowry last night, even though they lost that game against the Knicks  it doesn't matter, neither does Mondays game against the 76ers, so maybe rest him again.  Rumour has it he is suffering some nagging injuries, for christs sakes make sure he is healthy for the playoffs, that's what matters.  Are the Raptors as bad as they were last week? No.  Are they NBA title contenders? Unfortunately not.  I think best case Ontario for the Raptors is for them to make it to the East Finals... it's a process just two short years ago they were god awful, they can't go 0 to 100 really quick.  (Did you see what I did there?)  In Masai I trust... this team is going to be good for years to come, one bad week isn't gonna knock me off the bandwagon.

The Week Ahead: @ Philadelphia (3/2) vs. Cleveland (3/4), @ Charlotte (3/6). The way the Raps have been playing they can't look past the 76ers... actually who the fuck am I kidding the 76ers are trash, if they lose to them I am going to shit my pants just like Rob Ford did at the 2010 Santa Claus Parade.  The game of the week is obviously the game against the Cleveland LeBrons on Wednesday, the LeBrons are playing like we all thought they would at the start of the year, and if the Raptors want to take themselves seriously in the Eastern Conference picture they are going to need to step up their game big time.  Normally I have trivia on Wednesday but sorry Team Quiz in My Pants I dont want to miss that game! 

 

Look how beautiful that picture is.  That is our 3-4-5 hitters squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I can't wait for baseball season, what a fucking line up the Blue Jays are going to have.  I know this is the time of year where 29 other teams are optimistic (well maybe not the Rays) but everything coming out of Jays camp about the new guys is nothing short of fantastic.  I don't buy into the intangible stuff as much as others, but everything I heard about the Jays clubhouse was that it was toxic last year, while a lot of the players remain, a lot of the whiners in Lind, Rasmus and batshit crazy Lawrie are gone, in are winners like Josh Donaldson and Russel Martin.  It wasn't all sunshine and lollipops in Dunedin last week, new comer Michael Saunders suffered a freak injury shagging fly balls when he stepped on a soft patch of grass around a sprinkler (editor's note: C'Mon Bud, get it together Dunedin).  The news wasn't all bad at first it was looking like he wasn't going to come back until the All-Star Break leaving a massive gap in left field, but now he'll be back in April.  While it sucks that he is going to miss Spring Training, and will likely struggle out the gate come April it could be a lot worse.  In other news the Jays signed Johan Santana! While injuries have left him a shell of his former self, this a no risk high reward move for the Jays, imagine if he gets it together, our rotation will be amongst the best in baseball.  I just want to Jays to make the playoffs again, it's been way too fucking long, is that too much to ask... with my fucking luck they'll make it to the Wild Card game and lose that, better than a kick in the ass I suppose.

This weeks Squid of the Week is none other than Gregg Zaun.  I think ol' Zauny Boy may be a Squid of the Week a few more times, but that asshole really blew it last week.  So Zaun goes on the radio and in full "Zaun Cherry" mode he starts going off about how the Jays needed more "Veteran Presents" and started regaling us with stories about when he was a rookie for the Baltimore Orioles.  He said  the veteran players led by Cal Ripkin Jr. hazed him, he said they tied him to a training table in a spread eagle position and dumped ice down his pants when he got mouthy (Zaun being mouthy imagine that??)  He also said Cal had an imaginary line on a plane and he was never to cross it, when Cal tested him by calling him over he wrestled him to the ground a beat on him.  Adding to the story Zaun complained he got dirt and Old Bay Seasoning all over his new suit because they were eating Blue Crabs in the back of the plane.  Of course my man Andrew Stoeten reported it on his blog, and that story "went viral" as the kids would say, and it reached Cal himself, who of course refuted it, Cal even said he always shared his crabs with the rookies (that sounds worse than it is). Cal has written a childrens book denouncing bullying and hazing, so this story must've really pissed him off.  I'd like to hear that phone call Cal got "Hey Cal, remember that shithead Zaun, he's up in Canada running his mouth off about the time you covered his suit in Old Bay Seasoning".  The funny thing about all that is the 1995 Orioles were sub .500 and their manager who turned a blind eye to all this supposed hazing was fired and hasn't had another major league job.  Zaun of course said he got carried away and the stories were greatly exaggerated, I think he gets so caught up in trying to be Baseball's Don Cherry he tends to embellish his stories, and in the end comes off looking like a real squid.

Unfortunetly this weeks C'Mon Bud has to go to my man DeMar DeRozan for this monstrosity last night.

What in the fuck was that.... that's just embarrassing. Pretty much sums up how the Raptors were last week.